Froglicking
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Froglicking is, without a doubt, the premiere human endeavor. Since before the dawn of time, frogs have been licked in the hopes of spiritual revelations. Much of modern science and engineering can be directly linked to the Froglicking practices of otherwise highly intelligent men. But what is the real meat and bones of this strange custom from beyond the stars? Who first thought it might be a good idea to lick frogs? How could such an inane pastime become internationally successful? Let us find out.
History
Nobody believes that Froglicking started with a certain person in a certain place. It seems to have been introduced to our culture on multiple continents, including Asia, Europe, and South America. Antarctica may also be a place where Froglicking prevailed, but we'll never truly know because people nor frogs were not yet native to the continent. On South America Froglicking died out quickly, because those little guys are freaking deadly down there. Instead the crafty natives would take the frogs and stick them on their arrows, with the intention of poisoning their enemies with the frog-tipped darts.
In Europe Froglicking died out too, because people there tended to cook the frogs first and lick only the legs, which was more or less a side result of eating the legs. It's surprisingly difficult to eat something without licking it at the same time, you see. Well the problem is most of the poisons of the frog are boiled out when you cook it, so European Froglickers were apt to not even see a happy gorilla after partaking, much less than the smiling face of God.
So it was up to Asia to start the Froglicking franchise that exists today. But even Asia would have fallen by the Froglicking wayside if it wasn't for one man, Fenton Nefertiti, well known today as one of the queens of Egypt. Which is in Africa, technically, but frankly my dear, I don't really mind that so much, really. They're practically the same continent. Anyway, there aren't any frogs in Japan, Korea is too busy licking dogs, and I don't think the communists had sent anyone to Siberia yet. So it seems China is the last hope for the Froglicking community. Well lucky for us there's a guy named Chin Hong-Chunk who started a loose association of individuals whose name loosely translates to "Hey, I can see through my hands now". They saw their greatest glory in the Tang dynasty, when over 600 members across the country were freaking out on frogbacks.
So when Marco Polo went to china he saw a bunch of these crazies. He never tried it himself but when he told people back home that can speak to heathen gods when they lick frogs the Catholic Church perked right up. "Um, no." They said to the masses, but this only helped the Froglicking movement. With Froglicking outlawed, only outlaws licked frogs! It was madness! Insanity! And highly unsanitary, as well. Frogs are notorious carriers of famine pestilence and, since Froglicking became popular, Mono. Things got so bad that during the Renaissance Froglicking was hailed as an art form and a way of life.
Soon after the fad passed and frogs breathed a heady sigh of relief. There were a few resurgences, especially during the mass exodus to America, where amazingly bored seafarers licked frogs for the quick high they offered. Frogs have been safe until very recent times, where inventions like the Internet and the Frogsucker 5000 have made Froglicking the new thing among today's youth.
Methodology
- The high from licking frogs comes from the poison-emitting glands behind the frog's eyes. So it doesn't do you any good to lick the frog's legs, belly, anus, or internal organs. Just lick its back in slow circular motions and then wait. It takes a little while for the toxins to enter your bloodstream and begin killing brain cells so don't rush it. Frantic licking will damage the frog sooner than it will improve your high.
- Frogs excrete mucus to protect their thin skin from drying out. Our own skin produces oils to protect itself from, oh, I dunno, rabies. When handling a frog bare-handed, our oils can clog the frog's pores and damage it. So make sure to wash your hands before and after handling frogs to protect both yourself and the frog. Failure to do this can void the frog's warranty.
- Do not leave your frog in direct sunlight for long periods of time. Do not expose your frog to strong electromagnetic radiation. Do not expose your frog to paint thinner or industrial acids. Do not ingest your frog. If you or someone you know ingests a frog, call poison control and follow their instructions.
- Do not feed your frog controlled substances in an effort to enhance the Froglicking high. These substances are designed for maximum effect on humans and can have from little effect to spontaneous combustion when administered to a frog. If you or someone you know feeds these substances to a frog call poison control and don't listen to what they say at all because they don't know anything about frog biology.
In closing, I cannot stress enough the risks of attending a Froglicking party. It is extremely important to know where your frogs are at all times. Contrary to popular belief frogs are alive and mobile creatures that can escape if you leave them unattended. This can lead to dangerous activities such as frog-sharing which can result in the spread of diseases such as influenza, mono, and HIV. Be smart. Tag your frog. Thank you, and good night.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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