Domination
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Contents |
The Overview
Why is the world such an annoying place? Why are people, on the whole, a bunch of bloodthirsty savages who don't know how to use a fork the right way? Is there any way to avoid such a nasty rotten group of people? I know the answers to these questions. The answer to the very last one is Yes, and I will now explain exactly how you as a person can take advantage of those around you.
It is far easier to do this than you think. If you are even marginally superior to someone else at any given task, you can use this to dominate them. If you are attractive, you will be able to use your attractiveness to dominate and subvert those less attractive than you. If you are smart, you can dominate and subvert those less intelligent than you. If you are rich, you can dominate and subvert those poorer than you. If you are famous, you can dominate and subvert those lower on the pecking order. If you wield great power, you can dominate and subvert those with less power than you have. If you are female, you can dominate and subvert men.
The Niche
Even if you consider yourself perfectly average, you still have hope, for you see that means a great deal of people are less average than you are, and you can use this to your advantage. Even if you are the ugliest, dumbest, poorest, least influential male on the planet, you still can have some advantage over others. Prehaps you are an excellent shot with a rifle, or prehaps you have a very large dog. With these skills, you can dominate and subvert those without rifles or dogs. The sky's the limit. With my proven method of domination and subversion, everyone can potentially dominate and subvert everyone else. They key is in finding your niche.
Your niche is a magical noun that only you posess. It could be a unique skill or a very large gun. It doesn't really matter. As long as you're the only one who has it, you can use it to dominate and subvert others. Consider, for example, the following example:
The Example
Bob was an ordinary bloke with only one unique talent. He was very good at pretending to communicate with fish. Sure, he couldn't actually communicate, but fish are notoriously bad conversationalists anyway, so Bob wasn't missing much. He started his own Talk Radio program where guests would bring their fish on the air, and he would explain to the man exactly why the fish looked so unhappy. More often than not, Bob would say the fish was hungry. It is a little known fact that the only time a fish is happy is when it is eating. Of course the guest would feed the fish right then and there and the fish would instantly cheer up. The show was a huge success. Bob went on to be a guest on several popular morning shows before going on to start his own show. Within weeks he was a multi-millionaire. He endorsed fish food. He endorsed Tuna. He endorsed every possible product that has even the smallest bit to do with fish. If a company had one factory that polluted the ocean killing thousands of fish each year, Bob endorsed it. If the company made a product that, when left by itself for a week, would smell similar to fish, Bob would endorse it. Bob used his newfound fame and fortune to dominate and subvert others.
It's as simple as that. Bob used his seemingly useless talent to become rich and powerful. Now, let me ask you something. What was the true key to Bob's success?
The Talk Radio
You see, Talk radio is the ultimate way to get word out. Even moreso than the Internet or newspapers. Talk radio, unlike the internet, is taken as legitimate. Talk radio, unlike newspapers, is entertaining. When you end up with a forum of opinion that is entertainingly legitimate, the only possible outcome is success. Every single person who has their own talk radio program has been successful with it. The only people who have been unsuccessful are those who quit before they became successful. Talk Radio is the perfect forum to get out and express your beliefs. It instantly brings you fame and, if you have a good speaking voice, makes you more attractive. If you are even mildly humorous in real life, on Talk Radio you will be the most hilarious person alive. If you are even mildly immature on Talk radio, in real life you will be childish enough to leave a flaming bag of poop on the pope's doorstep. If you are even the tiniest bit boring in real life, on Talk radio you will be so boring you could put a sugar-high two year old to sleep just by saying "Kumquat". Talk Radio takes every aspect of you and makes it larger than life. This is both a help and a hinderance. Not many people can do nothing but talk for hours on end. This is why if you are even a little boring, you have to get a partner.
Anyone can have a conversation with somebody. The mere existance of two people implies that they each have seperate opinions on certain topics. Even if they don't have differing opinions, they can at least agree with each other which in itself is more interesting than one person agreeing with himself. Also, with two people their aspects are even larger than life. If your funny bone is best described as "harmless", you will be the most laugh-inspiring person alive with someone else laying down the funny with you. However, the best part about having a partner is that it negates your bad traits. Even if you don't know who all the signers of the Declaration of Independance were, you will not seem as dumb as a less-fasionable pebble stuck between Pauly Shore's toes. Your partner will negate this.
The Illogical Conclusion
Of course, this brings up a valid point. If one partner makes you seem smarter, surely three people will make you seem like god himself. WRONG! You see, as more and more people are gathered together in a single place, the lower their IQ becomes. Beyond two people, the IQ of the group rapidly drops until all 50,000 of you are brick-dumb. This is why Democracy does not work. When you have the entire populace steering the nation, it will get drunk, knock over all the other populace's mailboxes, and finally wrap the nation around a telephone pole. This is also why comittees are the worst idea on the planet. When a group of people have equal say in a matter, the end result will be totally, if not completely, useless. This is also why boats have captains, nations have leaders, and organizations have CEOs. A single person of average intelligence is smarter than 50 people who have a seperate room of their house devoted to holding their IQ but have to work together. Two heads heads may indeed be better than one, but with more than two heads, the result can only be that Sir Robin buggers off while you're arguing with your other heads over tea.
So this is the part where I reign up the monologue and bring it back to the original topic, but I don't really feel like it. I will freely admit that last paragraph has nothing whatsoever to do with dominion, nothing at all, but it's still something valuable to know about human nature. Surely you must feel embiggened by such knowledge, and prehaps this knowlege can be used to dominate or subvert others. There. I went and tied it in anyway. Now go home.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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