Atrocities
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
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My mind is continually filled with horrible, horrible ideas. Here's some of them.
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Ventriloquest!
- A cartoon about a team of problem-solving ventriloquists who travel the world righting wrongs and teaching people how to be ventriloquists. The first thing any non-recurring character says to them is "Thanks for teaching me how to be a ventriloquist!"
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Moby Dick 2
- After settling his differences with the White Whale and gaining strange new powers from his exposure to the mysterious depths Captain Ahab and Moby Dick team up to fight industrial pollution in 1970's San Francisco.
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Captain Stabbity and the Visigoths
- A team of dark and depressed superheroes continually try and fail to kill themselves, instead merely fighting the forces of evil.
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What's My Name
- A series of amnesiacs are brought in and forced to guess their past for fabulous prizes. Guessing wrong means a painful (but possibly beneficial) whack to the noggin with a brightly-colored mallet wielded by the shows spunky female cohost.
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Armchair Football
- Utilizing a phone-based polling system the viewing audience votes for what plays two all-star football teams use, with often hilarious results! Halftime features a cute and annoying mascot that, using the same polling system, can be tortured in various humorous or sadistic ways.
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Home Alone 4: Revenge
- Macaulay Culkin returns to theaters as the enraged and spiteful prodigal son who returns home only to find his family is away on vacation. He goes loony and sets a series of traps for them, each more diabolical and lethal than the last. Fun for all ages that don't mind severed limbs!
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Grand Theft Auto: The Movie
- Some vaguely ethnic guy goes on a violent criminal rampage for two hours without having to take responsibility for his actions. The movie also provides excellent strategies for Grand Theft Auto IV.
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Michael Crichton's The Lord of the Rings
- Pop author Michael Crichton rewrites Tolkien's classic work, somehow managing to work in the implications of modern psychology and temporal morality in the process. Critics aren't sure if they should be amazed or confused. Many Tolkien fans commit seppuku.
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Stephen Hawking's World
- Strapped for cash, brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking starts his own Saturday morning show. Played by comedian Jim Carrey with Richard Karn as his sidekick Lester the lab rat, Dr. Hawking explains the fundamentals of quantum mechanics to youngsters with the help of cheap flash animations.
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Captain Planet: Universe
- Having finally crushed polluting corporate America under his shiny red boot, Captain Planet and the Planeteers turn their sights on mars, battling with their Martian equivalents: the bored and lonely Oogla Bolooti and the few remaining ancient Bolooteers. Their thrilling struggle for domination of the solar system will probably go on for at least three seasons longer than it should.
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New Craze from Japan
- Bored with collecting various things from uncaring corporations, Japanese schoolchildren turn to a universal and untapped resource in modern society: Drifters and vagabonds! They capture them, train them against wild vagabonds, and then use them to battle their friends. It serves to teach children a valuable lesson about life and love, and becomes wildly popular in America roughly three years after everyone else forgot about them.
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A change of image
- Sick and tired of crying angry children, dentists everywhere adopt the dress and mannerisms of Santa Claus, making that biyearly hygiene check a happy, fun time full of presents as well as scraping tartar buildup off enamel with sharp curved picks.
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José and the Pussycats
- In an effort to get even more multicultural, Archie comics drops the spunky female lead singer in favor of José, who in the story quits his landscaping job to pursue music full-time.
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Katana Hot Tin Roof
- Samurai Princes Gooper-san and Brick-san attempt to cull favor from their dying Daimyo father Big Daddy Ogisemi-sama in an effort to be the one to inherit the Daimyo's lands.
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Shakespeare Online
- Dress up like the opposite gender to comic effect! Fall in love then kill yourself due to a misunderstanding! Murder to gain power, then go insane! Be careful to not be hoisted by your own petard in this thrilling new adventure from BardSoft Interactive! (Note: Somebody actually tried to do this. Holy crap.)
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iMac
- A brilliant combination between a Mac computer and an iPod, featuring the most prominent features from each of the two products! From the iPod: It crashes near constantly, and breaks under even the most reasonable of demands. And from the Mac: It has a fruity color, and an interface that decent, normal PC users find frightening!
- I kid I kid! Some things are two far fetched to ever happen!
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Final Fantasy XIV
- This award-winning Playstation 3 game takes the series back to what made it famous: Ridiculous hair and giant swords. At the same time it continues the Final Fantasy tradition of fixing what isn't broke by screwing with the gameplay until it resembles a rhythm-based cooking sim.
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The Encyclopedia of Purposeful, Meaningful and Necessary.
- Mr. E has an epiphany, and comes to the conclusion that an encyclopedia dedicated to pointless is doomed to toil in obscurity. Taking this revelation to heart, he endeavors to transform the encyclopedia into a gigantic database of crucial knowledge. Eventually, the masterful expert system known as the Encyclopedia of Purposeful becomes self aware, and begins taking it’s own measures to benefit and help humanity. The entire world benefits from their joint accomplishments.
- Meanwhile, Beat, who is a jerk kills himself, unable to adapt to society in bold new world Mr. E has created. His last words: “I liked it pointless!”
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Sonic Kart
- As though it was not enough to actually make Sonic Heroes and Sonic Riders, Sega green lights Sonic Kart, which features a mascot that can allegedly run faster than the speed of sound, driving around at 15 mph on a little go kart.
- Meanwhile, Beat who is a Jerk kills himself, unable to adapt to cope with the horrifying new world Sega has created. His last words: “I liked Sonic Rush!”
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Armstrongathon
- Niel, Lance, Tim, and Billie Joe, go on tour as “The four Armstrongs” Together they bring hope to the thousands of people who always wanted to see a former astronaut, A champion cyclist A fun Punk Rocker, and an annoying guy wearing eyeliner appear together.
- Meanwhile, Beat who is a Jerk kills himself, this time for the purpose of making his suicide a full-fledged, running gag. His last words: “This running gag is not funny, and it never was!”
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A Running Gag About Beat
- Beat, who is a Jerk defiles the atrocities article with a sorry, sad attempt at self-referential humor, despite the fact that he is not good or funny enough to effectively self-reference anything, so the result is a painfully long string of repetitive endings to individual atrocities involving suicide.
- Meanwhile, the elite council who are Jerks kill Beat, unable to cope with his lousy sense of humor. They then say: "Let's eat his heart to gain his courage!"
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Courage Treats
- Nestle launches a new line of candy bars made out of 100 percent human heart. Said to exponentially replace courage with every bite the yummy confectionery quickly beats out Pizza at the top of the Food Rankings. It's follow up "eye candy", made out of delicious, tasty eyes, fails to live up to it's predecessor.
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Villains
- A spinoff of the popular NBC series, the show closely follows the lives of some 15-or-so people who mysteriously gain super powers and use them to occasionally commit superpowered acts of generally petty or otherwise malicious intent. Prominently features Clarissa Bonnet, the captain of the chess team who has the power to waste space and time.
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World of Witchcraft
- For only $14.99 a month, you too can join the popular MMORPBBQSAARPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Reasonably Priced Brilliant Breakthrough Quilting Simulator And Also Role Playing Game) that's taking the world by storm! Gather your party, and dive right into drawing ornate pentagrams, casting spells, and hanging out in the shady corner of the high school courtyard with the other kids dressed in all black that understand your pain.
