Vital Knowledge: Tipping

(BY-NC-ND Joel Motylinski)Tipping, like rollerskating, cheesemaking, and pipe smoking, is a dying male art form. Gone are the days of old when large groups of burgeoning mathematicians and economists went to restaraunts for the sole purpose of attempting to equitably split the bill. In this computer age with its slide rules and its included gratuity few know how to properly leave a tip. After doing much research in ancient ettiquite tomes I have compiled the following list of tipping guidelines, from common to esoteric.

Bartender	$2 for each terrible secret you reveal.
Beachgoer	$10 for a one-piece swimsuit, $20 for a two-piece, $30 for a three-piece, and so on.
Blogger	$5 per article
Bureaucrat	$12
Busker	$3-$5
Celebrity	$2
Coffee Shop Barista	All the change in your pockets with mumbled apology
Comedian	"Don't quit your day job"
Doorman	$5
Dry nurse	$15
ER doctor	$50
Exorcist	$4 for a demon, $8 for an cacodemon, $16 for Lucifer himself
Fireman	$15, $25 if they save your home
Fortune Teller	10% bonus if the predictions are true (they will know).
Hairdresser	$5, or one dollar for every linear foot of hair removed, whichever is more.
Hot Dog Vendor	$5 home, $2 away
Ice Cream Barista	$2-$4, but only if they're not looking.
Mobster	5%, 10% if you have nice stuff
Police Officer	10%
Private Eye	5%, or warning of an imprending assasination
Rejuvenator	$20 for each year your life is prolonged.
Restaurant Server (formerly waiter, waitress, wench, etc.)	20%
Restaurant Server (good service)	20%
Restaurant server (poor service)	25% (the guilt they will feel is deafening)
Rich Uncle Pennybags	$200
Stripper	$5 per article
Taxi driver	$10 weekday, $15 weekend, $20 no awkward conversation.
Teamster	$10 (double for union)
Troubadour	$5 per octave
Velocipedist	$3 per axle
Wet nurse	$20
Witch Doctor	$5 per hex