Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Like Mahatma Ghandi, Jesus Christ, and Sherlock Holmes, Abraham Lincoln's life has been pored over by countless historians. And like those people, many historians doubt he ever truly existed. So, what then do you do when these countless historians have written countless books all taking a slice of the Lincoln pie? Same thing all those other so-called Lincolnologists have done: Make things up out of whole cloth.

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Rejected Southern Vampire Novel Titles

(CC BY-SA 2.0 Matt Refghi)Since Robert Aspirin, no author has so shackled herself to a gimmicky set of titles than Charlaine Harris, of the Southern Vampire novels. Many of her titles ended on the cutting room floor, but have been saved here for posterity, along with any related amplifying remarks.

Better Off Dead

Already taken.

Dead in Bed

This one is good, actually. Maybe a little too Seussian.

Dead Men Smell No Pails

What is... this doesn't even make sense.

Dead Dead Dead Dead Dead

Too ambiguous.

Vampires are Dead

Too straightforward.

Writer for the Dead

Save this for the autobiography, but try to avoid association with Orson Scott Card.

Dead over Heels

Wasted this one on Aurora Teagarden.

Dead Mullets Society

Maybe too clever.

The Nuke's Lament

Adapted from the anonymous poem, "The Snipe's Lament"

Now each of us from time to time has gazed upon the sea,
And watched the warships pulling out to keep our country free.
And most of us have watched a film or heard a lusty tale,
About the men who sail these ships through lightning, wind and hail.

But there's a place within the ship that legends fail to teach,
Within the shell, deep down in Hell, where legend cannot reach.
It's down below the waterline, and takes a living toll-
That wet hot metal living hell, which sailors call the "Hole".

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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

What would you do if your deadbeat drunk of a father puts you in house arrest while he attempts to claim your modest fortune for his own? It's real-world issues like this that are addressed in Mark Twain's classic american novel. Mark Twain was, of course, the alter ego of Samuel Clemens, which he used while cruising the Mississippi in his steam yacht solving mysteries. Like in real life, the answer in the book is to fake your death and throw in with a runaway slave on an adventure down America's second greatest river.

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Sandwich

(CC BY-SA 2.0 Jeff Kovacs)The sandwich is an invention heralded by all those who experience it. But how did it come to be? Our top foodologists have narrowed it down to two possibilities.

The Boring Theory

Popular theory states that the sandwich was created by a man named “Sandwich,” who was an earl of some sort. Something about wanting something he could eat with only one hand, so he could gamble away his money with the other. This is a fine historical theory… if you’re a nerd who wants to be all factual and stuff! Why don’t you go and read a history textbook you loser!

The Totally Rad Theory

The theory that all the cool kids go in for states that Albert Einstein’s ghost, Thomas Edison’s zombie, and Mr. T all got together in a top secret government think tank, and were tasked with building the most awesome creation ever. After months of work, they presented the world with the sandwich. And the rest is history. Totally falsified history, but history nonetheless.

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