Thinking
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Contents |
Introduction to Thinking
Have people ever accused you of being thoughtless? Has anybody ever confronted you angrily, shouting “What were you thinking?” And have you ever had to respond to their horrible accusing face with a sad, pathetic “Nothing?”
Well not anymore! With this helpful guide, you’ll be well on your way to thinking like a professional thinker. Use what you learn here to impress your friends, enrage your enemies, and make people you don’t know stare at you in wonder. It’ll be great! You’ll parade around your neighborhood like you own the place, and people will give you priceless gems for free!
Before we begin, let’s go over a few important questions you might have about this wondrous, magical thing called “thinking.” Don’t worry, we’ll get to the good stuff soon enough.
Why is Thinking Important?
- Thinking is what separates us from the animals, vegetables and minerals. Well, the ones that don’t think anyways. It allows us to observe and interact with the world around us without ending up as a beatnik, or a member of PETA. Thinking truly is a wonderful way to go about existence.
Can I Get Along Without Thinking?
- Several people have managed to get quite far in life without thinking, such as Paris Hilton. However, if you do not have millions of dollars of disposable income just waiting for you to inherit it, Thinking is strongly recommended.
Is Thinking Difficult?
- Considering the amount of not-thinking happening in today’s world, it might seem that thinking is very difficult. However, thinking is exceptionally easy once you know how, and soon you’ll wonder how you ever got by without it.
Thinking Basics
Did you get all your questions out of the way? No? Tough. It’s time to dive into the pool of thinking, and break your spine of ineptitude on the shallow end pool floor of intelligence!
Getting Started
- Take a moment to look around you. If you see something, anything really, focus on it. Keep looking at it until you get a headache, accompanied with mental pictures. This is called an idea. Continue making ideas until you get the hang of it. Once you can create a set of ideas without much effort, you’ve arrived!
But Wait!
- Don’t always act on an idea right away. Take a few moments to make sure that it’s not a thinking mistake. We’ll cover some of these dangerous thinking mistakes later in the guide.
Thinking Mistakes
That was quick. Avoid these common thinking mistakes in order to improve your logical skills. Examples of somebody using these fallacies are included with each one, free of charge, as always.
Faulty Connection
- There’s a bunch of stray cats running around my neighborhood, and the government is a mess! Coincidence? I think not.
Failure to Recognize the Cause of a Problem
- The only way to get rid of this hangover is to drink more alcohol!
Failure to Recognize the Magnitude of a Problem
- You say your car exploded? That’s okay! A quick paint job, and nobody will notice the difference!
Listening to the Advice of Known Idiots
- Beat said that playing in traffic was great fun! So I’m going to give it a shot!
Ignoring the Advice of Intelligent People
- Mr.E said that I shouldn’t attempt to amputate my own arm as a practical joke, but I have my own theory.
Misunderstanding the Advice of Intelligent People
- Void said that people have to spend more to stimulate the economy. So put it all on my credit card!
Following the Advice of Malicious People
- The Professor said that I should jump off this cliff into that valley filled with broken glass and rusty nails. Here I go!
Overvaluing the Importance of an Event
- A bunch of students protested the government at the college today! Now the government will have to change it’s ways!
The Slippery Slope Fallacy
- If you let teenagers eat vegetables, the next thing you know, they’ll be eating minerals too!
So Long, Suckers!
Well, that’s everything you need to know! We hope you have enjoyed this helpful tutorial. And if you didn’t, well then go cry to someone who cares, you wuss.
| -- Beat |
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