Secret Societies
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
From time immemorial, there have been hints and rumors of the vast secret societies that covertly control the worlds governments, specifically limiting the flow of information and discreetly directing the course of human development across time. Throught the use of armed men in suits these societies maintain their strict control over the world they have created.
Although these societies range in scope and depth, they are all under the dominating thumb of that greatest of societies, the Illuminati. Also known as the firebringers, the Illuminati came into existence when a group of intrepid cave dwellers discovered how to harness the power of the flame, forever putting them in control over the development of the human race.
Within the Illuminati there are multiple branches, most easily understood by looking into the inner workings of American society, as the United States is most fully under the thumb of the Illuminati at this time.
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Vast Conspiracies
All of these secret organizations that rule the world are big enough to be considered “Vast.” They generally deal with the influence government has on culture, and are therefore crazy boring. Current claims state that their power was gained in the same way that the gold standard was abandoned: because we are awesome.
So who are these vast conspiracy society things? Well...
Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
- These monsters can be summed up in two words: Redneck Madmen! According to the vast left wing conspiracy, they're very bad. The exact details on their badness are unknown, and it is possible that they are "bad" in the 80's slang definition of the word, IE: Good. Investigations on this matter are currently underway.
Details of the Right Wing Conspiracy
- Responsible for the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, President of the United States
- Primary goals include free trade of firearms, universal capitalism, bringing back the 50s
- Reduction of fossil fuel to zero in order to promote rapid technological development
Vast Left Wing Conspiracy
- These monsters can be summed up in two words: Hippie Madmen! Far less popular than their right wing counterpart, the Vast left wing conspiracy spends most of it's time trying to figure out how to kill Howard Dean and Michael Moore, who despite the claims of college students, are not the greatest thing ever. A necessary, if disgusting, counterpart to the Right Wing Conspiracy, the hippies have now gained control of the US Congress, and may be planning a power shift at this very time.
Details of the Left Wing Conspiracy
- Responsible for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States
- Primary goals include reinforcement of the Ozone Layer, Communism, bringing back the 70s
- Immediate cessation of the use of fossil fuel in order to force regression to proto-hippie society.
Vast Centrist Conspiracy
- The only Vast-rank conspiracy without wings, flightless like the penguin, this secret society that rules the world is found only in the Antarctic circle. They use their flipper like appendages to swim, as other conspiracies would fly. Their diet consists of fish and, their plumage looks like a little tuxedo. Both the father and the mother take care of the eggs.
Details of the Centrist Conspiracy
- This conspiracy is the true agenda of the Illuminati, pitting left against right to maintain a constant balance.
- There is evidence that this group is behind Star Wars, and that George Lucas is a founding member.
- Centrists have no official stance on anything. Except for fences, which they straddle on a regular basis.
Media Groups that Rule the World
If you control the media, you control what the hapless world hears. As such, there are two media scocieties struggling for dominance. Bless their little hearts, they're trying so hard.
Liberal Media
- Consisting of everything but Fox News they support all the liberal lies, such as the existence of Teeth. Teeth that may or may not be picking up transmissions from the CIA PA system. Teeth that may or may not be picking up these signals from a radio that was implanted into them while you were asleep on that one train ride you took last year. The one where you saw the cows.
- Don’t believe their lies! There are no teeth! There never were any! Spread the word!
Conservative Media
- Consisting only of Fox news, the conservative media is much smaller than the liberal media. Therefore, to be as effective as the Liberal media, subtlety goes out the window. Rather than just smoothly using the occasional lie, like the liberal media, they have to make every lie as big as possible if they wish to have the same effect.
Centrist Media
- Although many deny the existence of such an entity, it should be observed and noted that this Encyclopedia is completely unbiased. There is no trace of conservative, capitalist slant in these writings at all. Everything you read here is trustworthy, and should be immediately and without question accepted as dogmatic, universal truth.
- We have the AMS to back us up.
Other World Ruling Societies
We don’t like to limit ourselves to tired old political comparisons, so here are several other Secret Organizations that rule the world for your fearing and obeying enjoyment. Remember to wear a tinfoil hat, as that’s the only way to block out their mind reading waves. Keep in mind that despite their lack of political agendas, they are still quite lethal and most likely deeply involved in your personal life.
Fight Club
- The first rule of Fight Club is... oh, crap. Never mind. I will instead refer you to Chuck Pahlaniuk, the creator of this evil phenomenon. Unwittingly, in the creation of the film, based on Chuck's work, two actors who are deeply involved in this organization were selected: Matt Damon and Edward Norton.
Nerds
- We refer not to the loser down the street who is unable to speak to girls. We speak more of the Bill Gates variety of nerd. The kind who use a supercomputer at the Earth’s Core to control the very universe itself. The Microsoft corporation is a thinly-veiled cover for the Illuminati's plans to dominate the world by technological means. The creation of the internet in the mid 1700s was pinned on one former Vice-President. Bill Gates, a high master of the organization has been in charge of the project since the mid-70s.
Tab Soda
- Ever wonder what happened to this old brand, seen in the occasional 70’s movie or “Harvey Birdman” episode. Old labels don’t die, they buy island lairs in the middle of the pacific and subtly control world politics. You ask how powerful they are? Well, remember that time David Copperfield made the statue of liberty disappear?
- That was them.
The Freemasons
- Also referred to as the Joy Luck Club, these men are those who have brainwashed by the Illuminati. They are subtly convinced, as they progress through the degrees of their society, that they have actual control over the world around them. In fact, the Illuminati uses the Mason organization as an experiment. The intent in the future is to use the society as a means of 'reconditioning' those who speak out against them. This project was put in place when Pope Benedict X formally requested that the Illuminati seek out non-violent ways to silence their opponents.
Manifesta Sola
There is a secret so deep, so large, so intense that it has been the goal of the Illuminati to protect it since the beginning of time. In fact, the truth of the matter is so controversial that those who discover it are forced to conceal their knowledge of it for all time, or risk removal from society.
A ploy by the Illuminati to cast doubt on the secret has nearly succeeded, and the author of the work has been promoted to the inner ranks. Those who fear for their lives or feel they cannot be trusted with this information should leave immediately. …
Everybody gone. Okay then? The final group, the true masters of the Illuminati.
Women
- You know it’s true. Don’t believe me? That’s okay, I have proof. The ultimate secret is that it was a woman who initially discovered the power to harness fire. She brought a fresh fruit pie (believed to made from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil) to the men of her cave, and they have been her boundless slaves since that time.
Be afraid, my brothers. Be very, very afraid.
| -- Beat |
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| -- Forbidden Void |
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