Santa Claus
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Contents |
FDR Saves Christmas
In December of 1934 the Great Depression was raging across the United States like a whirlwind. Times were hard. Franklin Delano Roosevelt had begun efforts to relieve, recover, and reform the American economy, but the results of his efforts were still far off. Many families were afraid they wouldn't be able to celebrate Christmas properly without lots and lots of money to spend, and FDR himself was considering a mandate to cancel Christmas for the year so nobody would feel bad.
Inspiration came to him in the night, however, in the form of a bizarre dream involving a sea of liverwurst. In the dream a terrible monster rose up from the sea of Liverwurst and threatened to devour FDR, but then he was saved at the last second by Superman. When he awoke he realized the true meaning of the dream: FDR was Christmas, being threatened by the impending doom of cancellation, or in this case a monster from a sea of Liverwurst. Superman represented the idea that would save Christmas and bring happiness to the world. FDR also concluded that Kryptonite, although not present, represented Polio.
While the dream unraveled the mystery of his situation he still had no idea what the idea was that Superman represented, until at last another dream revealed it to him. The details of this dream aren't important. What matters is FDR figured out the solution was to draft legislation that would ensure every child receives a gift on Christmas day, or Christmas Eve for the Seventh-Day Adventists. The eleventh-hour bill was passed and the Federal Christmas Aid Administration (FCAA) started their work.
The Right Man for the Job
FDR needed a head for FCAA, and he could find no better man for the job than Nick Kringle, the Postmaster General for New York City. Nick was a kind and jolly man, and apart from the seemingly endless stream of accusations of pedophilia he couldn't possibly have been a better man to brighten up America's youth.
FDR assigned the FCAA a workshop in Wyoming and soon it was bustling with every manner of stereotype working hard to assemble toys for America's poor children. It's unclear where the rumor of Nick employing elves came from, but the myth about the workshop being on the North Pole is clear enough: Wyoming is so barren and lifeless and cold that it might as well be the North Pole.
The FCAA wasn't ready to save Christmas in 1934, or even 1935, or in fact 1936, 1937, or 1938, but by 1939 and after millions of wasted dollars the first shipment of toys was ready. Christmas had been saved. Nick Kringle was praised, and it was around this time he earned the title everyone would remember: "Gropey Claws"
Somewhere along the way this was corrupted into "Santa Claus", a detail that even today boggles America's greatest linguists. Europe's linguists always smirk and laugh amongst themselves, prompting American linguists to think they're hiding something. It's unclear if they are, or if they're just acting smarmy and intelligent about it just like Europeans act about everything.
The Salvation Army
During World War Two the FCAA expanded their influence to include sending gifts to the lands recently liberated from the Nazi regime. This was no simple task, and required the combined efforts of many of America's best and brightest. To accomplish this members of the 306th infantry were pulled from the front lines in Nebraska and deployed to spread cheer every Christmas to the liberated French, Spanish, and Polacks.
The newly formed branch of the military, The Salvation Army, initially got their supply of toys from daring raids against Nazi toy cashes. While spectacular, these raids were dangerous and many good men lost their lives during them. Instead in subsequent years, especially those after Nazis stopped storing toys, they instead collected toys from unsuspecting American citizens, either as direct donations, toys bought from monetary donations, or toys collected by the IRS from citizens with no other means of paying their taxes.
After World War Two the Salvation Army was thought to have become obsolete, but after a series of Senate debates they were granted additional funds and became a permanent part of the American military. They often performed raids much like their anti-Nazi ones against Russian communist toy dispensaries and then gave the toys out to Russian children, ignoring Communistic ideals such as "giving to all as they need" and instead heavily favoring the more attractive and healthy children, to give them a taste of sweet Capitalism.
The Reagan Years
The FCAA continued its operations in much the same manner as it had in the 1930s for half a century, mostly because almost everyone forgot they even existed. Many people even regarded the very existence of Nick's icy workshop to be a myth.
When Ronald Reagan was informed of the agency on his elevation to President he was furious. He decried the FCAA as an evil socialist program, the very mirror of the evils that we to free the Soviet people from. He signed an executive order disbanding the FCAA, thus adding "Destroyed Christmas" to the list of reasons liberals hate Reagan so much.
Capitalists saw the opening, though, and quickly worked to set up their own moneymaking version of the program. They would promise to deliver a certain number of a manufacturer's toys for a certain price, allowing the manufacturer to cash in on human interest pieces run by local news stations on slow news days. To further increase their profits the Capitalists stopped producing name-brand products and instead gave out cheap Chinese knockoffs of popular toys.
Santa Claus and the Future
Santa Claus died in early 1997 due to a Heroin overdose. He was 78, but looked closer to 813. Nobody seemed to notice, because by this time the market was flooded with Santa Claus imitators that all looked more like Santa than he himself did.
Since the early days of wooden horses and wooden ducks toys have gotten ever more sophisticated. To ensure profits the toys produced for Christmas can't cost more than a few cents each to manufacture, prompting the Bootleg DVD to top the charts for "most received present" in recent years, although only barely beating out "five year old Happy Meal toy" until recently. Other popular toys are a retro wooden horse and a thing that looks like a Game Boy Advance, but is in fact a harmonica. Christmas seems to be safe for years to come.
