Sandwich
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
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Contents |
History Of The Sandwich
The sandwich is an invention heralded by all those who experience it. But how did it come to be? Our top foodologists have narrowed it down to two possibilities.
The Boring Theory
Popular theory states that the sandwich was created by a man named “Sandwich,” who was an earl of some sort. Something about wanting something he could eat with only one hand, so he could gamble away his money with the other. This is a fine historical theory… if you’re a nerd who wants to be all factual and stuff! Why don’t you go and read a history textbook you loser!
The Totally Rad Theory
The theory that all the cool kids go in for states that Albert Einstein’s ghost, Thomas Edison’s zombie, and Mr. T all got together in a top secret government think tank, and were tasked with building the most awesome creation ever. After months of work, they presented the world with the sandwich. And the rest is history. Totally falsified history, but history nonetheless.
The Versatility Of The Sandwich
Part of the beauty of sandwiches is their versatility. In theory you can put anything at all between the slices of bread, and it will still be a sandwich. People have experimented with a wide variety of cheeses, meats, and things you can spread, such as peanut butter. Some madmen have even gone so far as to combine the principals of a sandwich with salad, creating a sort of “Salad Sandwich.” Such descents into madness are generally frowned upon.
The ultimate sandwich?
While all Sandwich followers and disciples believe fervently that there is some sort of ultimate sandwich, there is a great deal of debate as to exactly what kind of sandwich that is. Wars of sorts have broken out as people of competing sandwich fronts struggle for dominance. The following is a transcript of one such battle from our message board. It has been edited for content and time constraints and formatted to fit your screen. Then I translated it into ridiculous, pseudo old-English dialect, because it amused me.
- I say dear chaps, what do you consider the consumable of the sandwich variety that soundly bests it’s opposition? I daresay, I have yet to decide for myself, and being without a valid opinion, seek to use the thoughts of others.
Ice:
- You will find that the victorious lunch is composed of a toasted bagel, containing betwixt it’s halves, cheese of the pepper jack and swiss persuasions. I suppose one might use bread, if they are willing to sully themselves with such pedestrian rubbish.
- Listen not to the lies of our colleague who uses the moniker “Ice.” No, for the ultimate sandwich, one must go the establishment known as “Luigi’s” in the woefully mundane burg of Rockford. There you will find a kind of “Submarine” sandwich, constructed out of a small loaf of bread and a number of Balls, composed of meat.
Beat:
- Your deceitful words spread nothing but vile falsehoods! All people know that the ultimate sandwich is composed of whole wheat bread, swiss cheese, turkey, ham, roast beef, lettuce, spinach tomatoes, green and jalapeño peppers, salt, pepper, and vinegar! Those who state otherwise are villainous misdoers, who bring no joy into this world!
Void:
- Your supposedly ultimate sandwich lacks bacon! You dare bestow such lofty titles to something lacking in the one thing that makes a sandwich truly a sandwich!?
Beat:
- Bacon defiles the sandwich’s goodness! How dare you insinuate that such a detractor be considered a necessity?
Void:
- Have at you, vile cur!
Beat:
- En guard, duplicitious charlitain!
The resulting war over this issue lasted for days on end, and through it all, no clear victor emerged. It appears as though the recipe for the ultimate sandwich will remain forever out of our grasp.
Bummer.
| -- Beat |
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