Salad
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
What with this whole "Low carbohydrate" craze, people have taken a second look at salads. Salads, unlike such unhealthy foods as bread and pasta, contain few carbs and even less nutritional value. They consist primarily of the leafy products of various plants. Now, I don't know about you, but have you seen what plants eat? They eat dirt. So, when you're eating a plant's leaf, you're eating processed dirt. Humans, as an animal species, require different nutrients than plants, things like protein and iron and saturated fats, all of which are unknown to the plant kingdom. This is the reasoning behind the Mansalad.
Perhaps you've seen it when perusing a salad bar. A man, plate in hand, is making a medley of specific ingredients, which I will now list.
Contents |
Anatomy of a Salad
The Substrate
- Technically, for a plate of food to be classified as a "Salad" it must contain some leaves. So when making a Mansalad some compromises must be made. There are benefits, however small, for leaves. Leaves are high in fiber, you see. Fiber is quite simply stuff your body won't digest, so it will travel the digestive tract taking along various other things that otherwise would present a clogging risk. So fiber in the form of leaves isn't necessarily a bad thing, just a non-nutritional thing. Especially when you consider some of the other ingredients.
Ham Cubes
- Ham cubes are vital because they allow the man to justify his salad by telling himself he's actually eating meat. However, that conclusion may not be as accurate as these men would like to believe. You see last time I checked pigs aren't modular. They aren't built from Lego-like blocks of delicious meat. So where do these very same blocks come from? Do they have some sort of machine where you feed hams in one end and cubes come out the other? Do they grind up the meat and then reform it into cubes? If grinding is the answer, then why stop at the meat? Grind up the whole pig and turn that into a cube; it probably wouldn't be distinguishable from a normal meat cube. Some more cynical members of society have already decided this is the case. While Ham Cubes are a vital part of the Mansalad, don't just assume what you've added is meat.
Cheese
- Another vital part of the Mansalad is the cheese. Cheese is a vital source of protein and is much beloved by we here at the Encyclopedia of Pointless. So whenever a salad bar includes cheese (and every good salad bar does), one must partake. Especially good salad bars may contain multiple cheeses, and according to the First Law of Cheeses the more cheese the better.
The Dressing
- The dressing is a vitally important part of the salad. Many people wonder about how much dressing is appropriate for a salad, well here's the answer: If every bite isn't soaked in your dressing of choice, it's not enough. The dressing is the source of fats and oils vital to a healthy meal. A word of advice, however: Don't pick some wimpy dressing like balsamic vinaigrette. Take a man-dressing like Ranch or Thousand Island or Western. If it's not thick enough to support a penny, it's not a good enough dressing.
Errata
- Some men indulge in various and sundry things to top their salad with. They may add olives, which can give a salad extra zest, or bacon bits, which can give a salad extra bacon. Many a man swears by hardboiled egg crumbles. Still others put on chow mein noodles or uh, cranberry sauce or something. They ususally quickly find that being in there with the other ingredients of a salad bar does not garantee compatibility with other ingredients. Men attempting to add pasta salad should show excessive restraint and forethought before creating what could potentially be an abomination of nature.
There you have it, the main ingredients in the delicious Mansalad. With this roadmap you too can get the full benefit from the salad bar of your choice. One word of warning: If you follow this method to the letter and find your diet is not working, perhaps you should go with something more nutritious, like a cheeseburger.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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