Revisionist History
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
The actual past sucks.
It’s one of those simple facts we as a society would rather not deal with for obvious reasons. It’s boring, it’s lame, it’s full of dates that are hard to remember, and it suffers a distinct lack of exciting car chases and ninja robot attacks. Additionally, it sometimes brings to light terrible mistakes made by our forefathers that we would rather not own up to, whether intentional or accidental. It’s a downer all around.
But It doesn’t have to be that way! In an event that proved that even a hated and disgusting commie can come up with an exciting new idea, a man named Joseph Stalin Gave us the tool we needed to never have an embarrassing, boring, and/or disgraceful history again! It’s simple and easy, and all you need to do to accomplish it is lie!
How Revisionist History Works
The process for rewriting history is pretty straightforward, all you really need do is follow this basic template.
- Take the current stated history.
- Remove anything that’s boring at all. Long treaty talks? Uneventful economic recession? Throw em all out!
- Remove anything that casts you in a bad light. Current President/Dictator spent ages 16-24 hanging out in his private palace after flunking out of school? That’s got to go.
- Remove whatever else you want. You know. Just for the hell of it.
After you’re done, you’ll have big huge spaces in between events! This is where your creative writing skills will be put to the test! Fill those gaps with wonderful, fascinating and interesting things! Choose a scapegoat and blame them for whatever bad things still remain in your timeline. We recommend the hippies, because they symbolize all that is evil in the world far better than any shadow organization could possibly hope to.
After that, all you’ve got to do is insert the new timeline into every textbook in the nation. After that enjoy your new past until the invading forces of justice topple your hideous excuse for an empire! That way, as you hide in the storm shelter of your fast crumbling palace, awaiting for the invading soldiers to enter and execute you for your many crimes against humanity, you can sit back, content in the fact that, at least in fiction, you’re a bold and awesome leader.
At least until they replace the curriculums with something accurate.
| -- Beat |
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