Revenge
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Revenge is a fading concept in our modern world. Fewer and fewer people these days are going out of their way to show their foes beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not to be crossed. At the Encyclopedia of Pointless, we find that very fact as just plain upsetting.
In this chunk of text, we hope to demonstrate to you that revenge is an idea worth hanging on to, as well as show you exactly how to get revenge against some common targets.
A warning to those who read this article. Revenge is often a lengthy process, involving gaining trust and hard work and stuff. That Count of Monte Cristo dude spent years trying to upset guys who ticked him off. And look what happened to him. That’s right, he became ungodly rich! And he ran around all day flaunting how totally much money he had and how totally sweet his life was. Awesome, right? See how great revenge can be?
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Common Reasons for Revenge
Revenge does not just happen all on it’s own. It has to be incited by the actions of others. If you attempt to take revenge on one who has wronged you before they have wronged you, then it’s really not revenge at all. Instead it falls into the category of either prevenge, or psychic revenge. Both of these things are awesome in their own right, but not the topic at hand.
In this portion, we hope to clear up some of the things that can be cited as a reason for revenge. If the dark deed committed against you is not in our listing, go ahead and take brutal and gruesome revenge anyways, just to be safe.
Name Calling
- If someone calls you a name, like “Stupid dumb-face jerk-pants loser,” then they have committed adequate misdeed for you to take revenge upon them. Sure, it’s a known fact that you are indeed a stupid dumb-face jerk-pants loser. Heck you even qualify as a pitiful degenerate stupid dumb-face ugly snot-nosed jerk-pants loser-brained blight upon the good and decent world around you. But they didn’t need to bring it out into the open. That’s just rude.
Absconding With Your Possessions
- This can be anything from your car, to that penny on the ground that you totally saw first. This includes people who steal the affections of a significant other who has long since told you to never call again, or enacted a restraining order against you. And how long have you been letting those jerks on your street breath your air? You totally claimed that air, man. They are so going down.
Being Your Boss
- The act of being somebody’s boss is always worthy of revenge, regardless of how good a manager the boss in question was. They are your boss. They make more money than you do, and they get to order you around. If you're a normal human being, you don't really need anything more than that to summon up the required hatred to justify revenge.
- If you, on the other hand, are a manager, boss, or other figure of workplace authority, you would do well to prepare yourself for a life filled with fending off the revengeful machinations of your subordinates. You would also do well to come to terms with the fact that nobody likes you. You’re a boss, and therefore a horrible person. You’ll either die alone, or at the hands of one of your employees, you jerk.
Common Methods of Revenge
Before we learn how to extract blind-rage justice on your foes, it is important to understand what options are available to you.
Murder
- Murder is not recommended for the young revengeful person. It always leads to a big mess to clean up, legal fees to pay, accomplices to bribe, jurors to bribe, judges to bribe, and the loss of your basic humanity. It also, more often than not, leads to jail time, which I hear means having to spend all your waking hours in a small room with a guy who is just as much a horrible monster as you, only much bigger and stronger. A disadvantageous situation if there ever was one, I assure you.
Arson
- As well as being a common building trade, in both worlds no less, Arson is a significantly better way to teach your foes that you are not to be messed with. While it still results in most of the bad things that happen in murder revenge situations, you generally don’t have to clean up the mess. An added bonus: fire is totally sweet.
Slander/Libel
- Saying or writing bad things about the target of your justly deserved revenge. This one only works if the wrongdoer in question has a reputation that you are capable of damaging. As such can be used to great effect on some people, and is completely worthless on others.
Obtaining an Obscene Amount of Money
- Hey, it worked for our buddy the Count. His life was totally awesome after finding a ridiculous amount of money in some weird island. My memory is a little hazy, but I believe it was pirate’s gold or cardinal’s gold, or something like that. Anyways, upon obtaining the money, go and harass the object of your revenge with statements like “Look how disgustingly wealthy I am,” or “If only you had not incited my rage, then I would happily consider allowing you to partake of a portion of my incomprehensible riches.”
- If done right, the one who has wronged you in the past will be reduced to a pitiful man, bemoaning his very existence in a language of sobs and profanity. His jealousy of your and your fantastic hoard of gold will remove any hope he has of being satisfied with his own miserable existence. Unless of course he’s one of those unearthly “content” people, with the guts to feel happy for you. Should this be the case, resort to the next item on the list.
Assault
- I find baseball bats usually work very well, but that’s just me.
Common Targets for Revenge
Over the years we have been able to confirm that certain forms of revenge are effective against certain foes who have wronged you. Be careful not to use the wrong revenge against a subject, as doing so can result in embarrassment and doom.
Siblings
- By far the best way to take revenge upon your siblings is to become obscenely wealthy, usually through becoming a doctor or lawyer. That way at every family reunion, all the aunts and uncles will spend most of their time being impressed by your commanding and wealthy presence.
Bosses
- Some people feel that the best way to get revenge on bosses is by killing them. We would like to make it clear to you that those some people are stupid and, it is highly likely, ugly. The right way to get revenge on your boss is very similar to the way to get revenge on your siblings. Become disgustingly wealthy. It worked for our friend the count, didn’t it? After you’re rich enough to light cigars with 100 dollar bills, take great pains to stop by your old place of employment, to spend friendly time with your boss. Act as a constant reminder that their crappy job sucks, and that guy they were ordering around is now lounging in a lavish estate all day. Let the envy drive him or her mad.
- Alternately, I suppose you could get your boss drunk and abscond with his or her left kidney. That’s good too.
Professors
- It should be noted that some people don’t believe it is justifiable to take revenge out on a Professor. The logic is that life has already punished them by making them a professor, and that quite frankly, there’s nothing you can do to them that their very wretched existence can’t easily top.
- These people are full of crap. While not all professors desserve to be on the receiving end of your unstoppable machinations, you’ll know the ones that do when you see them. They’re the ones who make classes that should be very unacceptably hard. The ones who “Teach” by reading their power point slides aloud to the class. The ones who spend their entire class time talking about why their opinions are correct and your opinions are wrong, even though the very fact that the subjects at stake are opinions, and therefore neither correct or incorrect. The ones like that are a blight, a plague, a scourge!
- So yeah. Arson. That or become super knowledgeable about the topic at hand and play a constant Devil’s advocate to whatever the professor says. That really drives them nuts.
Other Desserving Types
- You mean like, thieves, jerks, scoundrels, morons and annoying people?
- Insane wealth. Hey, it worked for the count.
In Conclusion
Be aware that revenge is not a tool to be taken lightly. No. It is a tool to be used often. And don't worry! It's not like anybody will take revenge out on you! It's not like this guide can be used by your foes as easily as you can use it on yours.
You have nothing to worry about.
| -- Beat |
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