Protesters
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Protesters are highly annoying people, remarkable for their ability to wave signs for several hours on end. Their natural enemies include Beat, The Professor, Triped, and The Saint. Protesters are weak against blunt objects. They have been known to become flustered and confused when subjected an intelligent counter-argument or vicious taunting.
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College and Protesters
May Protesters are in fact college students. Now don’t get me wrong, college is a great place in many ways. It’s a good place to prepare yourself for your adult life. It’s a good place to make friends and look for romance. And there’s no better place for debauching yourself to the basest level through rampant alcoholism and drug use, flunking out after your third arrest, and shattering your parent’s hearts into splinters. He means you just can’t get this stuff anywhere else.
However, college is not completely flawless. There are flawed professors who will actively tell you that their views are far superior to your views. You will encounter parking patrol officers who make you pay 80 dollars for a parking hangtag, and 25 dollars when you forget to put it up or borrow a friend’s car. Lastly and most importantly you will encounter protesters.
Protesters are people who have strong opinions on current events. However unlike normal people with strong opinions on current events, protesters are unable to communicate these strong opinions to others without waving a sign in the air, or dashing about handing out pamphlets. These actions set them apart from normal folk like you and me, who tell people our opinions without the use of signs or the occasional megaphone.
An imaginary conversation with a protester
- <Cobbled together from real conversations with protesters>
- <then embellished upon and fantastically exaggerated>
- Protester
- You there! Yes, you with the backpack, books and intent of entering the student union, possibly to consume cheap college pizza from the pizzeria.
- Hapless Victim
- Yes?
- Protester
- People have made cocaine illegal for too long! And for what! We’ve all inhaled crack at one point in our life!
- Hapless Victim
- I haven’t.
- Protester
- And it hasn’t affected us at all! Has it? I mean you’re still the same after having a bit of hard cocaine, right?
- Hapless Victim
- I’ve never done drugs.
- Protester
- So why is it still illegal? What possible bad things could happen if we made Cocaine legal?
- Hapless Victim
- More people would die of drug overdose? The workforce would be greatly reduced by people too addicted to crack to actually effectively work? Families would be torn apart by members who have lost the ability to love anything but a meaningless white powder?
- Protester
- <Rudely> I’m sorry, I had no idea you were so hopelessly closed-minded. <to another hapless victim> You there! With the backpack and books and T-shirt that endorses the Ramones!
Logic and Protesters
The logic behind the actions of your typical college protester baffles me. It’s not like they’re really going to make that big of a difference. I have never seen a politician say anything like “I am changing my stance on the use of controlled substances because there are some people with signs outside of the University of Central Florida student union.” Likewise, I have never seen a protester say, “I hope they see my sign! My sign will change everything!”
The sign wavers aren’t all that bad in the big scheme of things. Much more scary are the people who take activism to the next level. Beat's talking crazy stuff like lying down in the street or assaulting police officers. There once was a vegan guest speaker in a less useful class (Stupid required general education courses) who bragged about how he had been arrested a rather large number of times for being a public nuisance at supermarkets and releasing chickens from farms. This man told the class exactly to what lengths he went to say “Me not like!” He spent around 2 hours telling them how they were evil monsters because they ate meat, and through his long boring speech, some found themselves thinking “don’t you have anything better to do?”
Apparently they don’t. So protesters, I’ll leave you with this little poem.
Protester by Triped "Good Protester!" I smiled, "Your calling is noble, You benefit society with your tireless pace," "How so?" he replied, clad fit for a hobo, "An outlet for violence!" and I smashed in his face.
| -- Beat |
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