Political Labels
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
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Congratulations, Mr. or Ms. Young Legal Adult American Citizen! You made it to age 18 relatively intact! And do you know what that means?
...
Okay... Yes that is correct, but not the answer I was looking for. Try again, and this time, keep your mind out of the gutter, you decadent wad of sleaze.
It means you can vote! You can become politically active! You can study the issues, carefully consider the candidates, and compare the political hopefuls to your ideal politician. Or if that’s too much to ask, you can doodle on your ballot like a Florida voter. Or just pick the guy with the best hair, like voters everywhere else.
However, I’m hoping you’re not like that. No, you’re a serious voter who knows what they stand for and against. You know you’re anti-patriot act, and pro-war in Iraq, or maybe pro-patriot act and anti-Roe vs. Wade. Or maybe you’re pro-butter and anti-margarine, or even pro-punk rock and anti-death metal! There are so many things you can be for or against! How can you possibly keep up with it all!
Easy! You place yourself under a political label! There are lots to choose from, and once you feel that you are one of them, they’ll tell you how you feel on everything else! It’s like thinking, only it requires no thought!
So now I bet you’re wondering "Exactly what political labels are there to do my thinking for me?" To you I say, "Patience young grasshopper!" To learn about the political labels you can fall under all you need to do is keep reading! I swear, I’m making this too easy for you.
Contents |
The Labels
Conservatives
- Also known as "Right Wing" or "Right of Center" largely because they tend to part their hair on the right side of their heads. According to the Liberals, they burn down rainforests for fun, read your mail without you knowing it, impose archaic moral standards on everybody, and drive the government into the ground.
Liberals
- Also known as "Left Wing" or "Left of Center" largely because they tend to sleep on their left side, instead of on their back or right side. According to the Conservatives, they unfairly take your hard-earned money, hate law enforcement, but love laws, spit on the moral foundation of the country, and drive the government into the ground
Centrists
- Also known as “"Centrists" or on rare occasions "Centrists." Members of this political label try to strike a middle road between conservatives and liberals, and are thusly, hated by both.
Radicals
- Also known as “Stoners” and “Potheads.” These guys are all about the legalization of marijuana. They have some other goals too but they tend to forget what they are, usually after smoking enough marijuana to kill a walrus.
Marxists
- Also known as “Communist Pigs” and “The Red Menace.” These people support the communist form of government, and are almost always broke college students with messy apartments.
Socialists
- Sadly this group has no other name, and are only referred to as the socialists. They support a more wussy version of communism. They used to be entirely composed of Ralph Nader, but then he joined the green party, whatever the heck that is.
Objectivists
- It has not been made clear to me whether this is a political label, or just a club at my college. I only just heard of it yesterday, and it sounds political and stuff. Therefore it gets listed here.
Progressives
- A mysterious political sect, shrouded in mystery. I would know more, but their newspaper on my campus (the Orlando weekly) is a crime against, paper, ink, English, and literate people. We all hate the progressives. Progressives suck!
Well, that just about covers everything. So remember Mr. or Ms. Young Legal Adult American Citizen, pick your political label carefully. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice, just so long as you don’t go with the Progressives. The Progressives suck!
| -- Beat |
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