Pineapples

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

Pineapples. That tangy, sweet, football-sized fruit that’ll make your mouth hurt if you eat too much of it. Most likely we’ve all either eaten pineapple or seen it, be it in a commercial for a food store, in a tropical-based sitcom, or in Carmen Miranda’s hat. You know, that brownish thing with the square scales and the spiky green leaves on top? Has a yellowy interior and a really sweet, tart taste? You don’t? Well then pay attention, ignorant one.

Physical Characteristics

Anywho, Pineapples are a tasty, semi-nutritious, and quite good treat for a summer afternoon, or winter. Or whenever. While their cores are fairly hard and somewhat inedible, the rest of the flesh is very soft and juicy, and very addictive. A pineapple also makes a very effective club, due to its considerable weight, though gloves are recommended, as those spiky fronds can be quite painful. (Doesn’t count if you’re The Professor)

Classification

Pineapples, oddly enough, not related to either pine trees or apples. How they got their name is a mystery on the level of “Why do they say Port and Starboard on ships” and “What exactly is wrong with Marge Simpson’s voice.” They don’t look anything like apples, though their leaves do look a bit like oversized pine needles. But then, so do agave cactus, and we don’t call those “Pinecactus”, so it was probably another instance of a stupid explorer giving something a completely irrelevant name and forever confusing the children of English-speaking countries.

Cooking Tips

There is one final thing I’d like to say about Pineapples: Don’t ever eat chocolate with pineapple chunks. Not only will it leave a really nasty taste in your mouth, but it will throw the earth’s rotation off, plunging us into the sun.

-- Heed

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