Pantheon
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
People have made lots of gods. This seems counterintuitive, but it's true. It's okay, though, becuase God went ahead and made a bunch of people and it all evened out in the end. There's still less gods than people, so I decided it would be more productive to catalogue the gods rather than the people.
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Norse gods
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Odin
- Chief of the norse gods, Odin isn't really the god of anything in particular. He mostly just bosses the other gods around and has lots of kids. To me this seems like a cop-out. I've heard of loads of monotheisic Dieties who did everything Odin did while at the same time being the god of everything. I believe Odin would benefit from getting a life. Seriously, nobody wants to worship a bum god.
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Thor
- What Pantheon would be complete with good old Thor? This guy is serious trouble, he's always making thunder. Not lightning, unfortunately, just thunder. Which is, if you ask me, a major cop-out. Sure thunder is all menacing and can keep the lessers in line, but what if some smart alek steps out and tells you to blast him down dead if you truly do exist? Are you going to thunder him to death? No, of course not. You're gonna wallop him on the head with that enormous hammer you carry for just such an emergency. It sounds to me like Thor might have things more under control than you think.
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Loki
- Okay, so this is the third Norse god when all the other belief systems get the shaft. Well, frankly I like Norse mythology the best. Those Norse... men... really had their act together when it came to coming up with cool ideas. I mean, Ragnarok. Any word with a K at the beginning or end is instantly more cool than normal words. How many K's are there in Armageddon? None? Not surprising. So anyway Loki is bad.
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Egyptian gods
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Ra
- The ancient egyptians were an odd bunch. They worshipped cats and did really weird things to their dead, like put them in pyramids. So it makes sense they'd do creepy stuff like worship sun gods. Not to mention the whole animal-head god thing. In any case, Ra actually gods something, mainly the Sun. Also, like Odin, Ra is chief of the gods. In your face, bum-god!
- Ra later caused some problems for America so we had to send a team of soldiers into a stargate to get to his desert planet and blow him to hell with a nuke. I hear they even made a movie about it, too. Go figure.
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Greek gods
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Aphrodite
- Goddess of love and beauty and big hair, there isn't much more to this girl. The Romans called her Venus. I can't imagine why. I mean, what's wrong with Aphrodite? Sounds like a great goddess name to me. But they go and give her a name so mundane we use it to identify a giant dead ball of rock in space nowadays. You don't hear about planet Aphrodite, do you? That's because Romans were dumb.
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Hades
- Most people associate this word with the place bad people go. That's because Hades is the name of the guy in charge of that place. So you might think twice about hanging around with this guy, but you gotta remember he's in charge of dispensing earthly riches as well. Of course this is because everyone knows riches are bad and only bad people want them. Or at least all the smart people want you to think this. It's more riches for them, you see.
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Geek gods
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Lathander
- Okay, I admit Lathander was never worshipped by any ancient civilizations. But then when you think about it, does that make him any less than any of these other doofuses? So what if he was just thought up by some guy who makes his living on that vastly tapped resource: Bored Geeks on Friday Nights. Lathander isn't any less than say Hermes, or Pluto. Anyway, I'd tell you about Lathander but this description is getting too long.
That about raps it up for my showcase of gods. Tune in next time when I once again completely ignore indian and oriental belief structures.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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