Inspectors
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Apart from such famous types as Gadget or Clouseau, inspectors are a fairly humorless bunch. They have to be, considering the kind of work they do. To wit, they have to check over all sorts of things to make sure they are in working order, from little paper umbrellas on a conveyor belt to the belts themselves. One mistake and some poor sap will end up with a paper umbrella that doesn't open, or the conveyor belt will snap, showering the ground below with thousands of deadly little novelties. These poor guys are under a lot of pressure.
Now as far back as I can remember I've heard stories about people with flashlights and clipboards who would periodically shine their flashlights at the ceiling and write something down on their clipboard. It's also said that all it takes to get into even the most secure government facility is a flashlight, clipboard, and a fairly severe stare. I, being the rationalist that I am, simply put these stories off as being urban legends and filed them away in my "interesting but untrue" file. This all changed when I myself stepped into the workforce and witnessed these strange inspectors for the first time.
As you may or may not know, I worked at a famous parcel service known for its unity. At the massive hub building where I worked there are miles and miles of conveyor belts that go from waist height all the way up to three-story building height. And deep within its dark underbelly, among the humming motors and sliding belts, you will find a man with a flashlight and clipboard. He shines his flashlight at the belts and writes down things in his clipboard. They exist! I have seen it with my own eyes! Others I know, no matter how old, attest to similar experiences. I was amazed. These stories I had dismissed as beindg fairy tales are in fact true. I was even more amazed when after consulting with several historians, including famous Egyptologist Martin Sheen, that these torch-bearing inspectors have been around for thousands of years.
When soldiers were embroiled in trench warfare during World War I, soldiers on both sides spent some of their time inspecting trench quality and writing the results in muddied but functional clipboards. When Columbus was on his voyage, there was one sailor whose only function was to inspect the sides of the vessel for damage and write down the results in a clipboard. When Rome conquered Gaul, the first thing they did was inspect all the buildings with torch in hand. Even in the most ancient egyptian heiroglyphics there are images of men inspecting the tombs of the Pharaohs. I suspect this isn't even the earliest occurrance of this. The image of a caveman with a torch in one hand and a flat rock in the other comes easily to my mind's eye. I see him grunt softly at the ceiling of the cave and then make a thumbprint on the rock with some red paint. It's probably some inborn genetic predisposition. Birds reached for the sky in an effort to better inspect the ground below. Great brachiosaurs used their long necks to inspect the tops of even the tallest trees. Even as the first proto-amphibian crawled out of the ocean it did so to inspect the quality of the sand on the beach and make a note of it in its own primitive mental clipboard.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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