Hypopathoeogtisticalism
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
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Hypopathoeogtisticalism is the name given to those people whose story is always better than yours, whose problems are always worse then yours in some way, and who always have some kind of problem going on in their life or with their health. Here is the queen mother of them all. When I first met her I thought her stories were interesting if not good for a laugh but as time went on they became more and more annoying and have now reached the point of unbearable. Here are a few of the instances that have brought me to this point of total frustration.
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The Stroke
- My grandma ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and was out of the hospital after like a week. About a week later my coworker's sister had a stroke and while she was in the hospital they found out she had pneumonia too, and that could have been what caused the stroke.
The Sliver
- One day at work I went to take the key to my drawer off my arm and some how the key gave me a metal sliver, which I easily removed but hurt like crazy. About two days later she came over to my station and started complaining to me about a sliver that had been festering in her finger for about a week, she wasn’t sure but she though it might be a metal one.
The Hypochondria
- Any time any one complains about the slightest head ache or body ache she has one of equal or greater intensity but may be followed with a complaint about any one or a combination of two of the following: heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea (yes that is the pepto bismol commercial), tiredness or marital problems.
The Food Fixation
- She is obsessed about food. At lunchtime she always calls her husband and asks him what their having for dinner. Then the next morning she comes in and tells every one what her calorie count was for the previous day, and what her current days calories are. She is allergic to chocolate and caffeine and reminds everyone on a daily basis. She regularly asks what other people had to eat and then tells them the calorie count for that. Or if you’re telling a story about some kind of meal you had at a restaurant, or something like that she will tell you how bad that kind of food is for her because of the calorie count. And she always had to go outside to eat her lunch because everyone watches soap operas and she cant stand those (probably because it reminds her of her life).
The Tube
- This is the kicker. About the time of the Teri Schiavo case she had a friend who had some kind of tragedy happen and she ended up in the hospital. (I still have yet to hear what the tragedy was but I’m sure it will change a couple of times.) Any way, the tragedy was so bad that her friend need a feeding tube. Well then her friend ended up in a coma and they (I don’t know who “they” are) decided that she couldn’t be on the feeding tube any more and she died 15 days later. (By the way no one she knows who has died has ever been listed in the obituaries for some unknown reason.)
Yes these stories are true, and were told in all seriousness by my coworker. So you may not believe that I have found the queen mother of them all, but you have only read five stories and do not have to see her every day 8 hours a day and listen to her constant complaining.
The only solution found when dealing with this type of a person is to do the concerned look and nod every once in a while adding an “oh that’s too bad” or an “oh that sucks” while thinking about what you’ll eat for dinner that night. Other favorite things to do is while she talking, sometimes a customer will walk in the door so, I’ll immediately turn away from her and say hi to the person talk to them while I do their transaction. Then after they leave I’ll pretend I was not in a conversation beforehand and go back to reading something or go and talk to someone else leaving her looking at me waiting for me to acknowledge her story and feel bad for her.
There is no hope for these types of people and if you ever come across one on the street then run away, run away as fast as you can. Because someday you may be trapped as I am working with one and you will need all the strength in your bones not to rub her feet in raw meat, tie her to a tree in the wilderness, and listen to the howling wolves get closer.
| -- Bethie |
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