Florida
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Contents |
Dedication
This article is dedicated to the memory of Andose, AKA The Professor, who was unafraid to fight and die for the causes he believed in at the battle of the MBOP, during the great forum war.
He didn't actually fight or die, but the point still stands.
Forward
Often times people feel the need to release their problems, frustrations, and even responsibilities, by spending an exorbitant amount of money on something called a vacation. Now typically speaking people try to go someplace warm and exotic. Thankfully Beat saves us from horrible disappointment by explaining why Florida shouldn’t be considered for this escape from reality. After reading this you may all agree that florida is even worse then Wyoming.
What is Florida?
Florida is the most awful, disgusting and horrible state in all of the USA. It hangs off of the continent like some sort of leech, attaching itself to the underbelly of the nation in order to survive off of its tourists and senior citizens. From the waterlogged, sinkhole-riddled ground, to the smelly lakes, and beyond the thousands of old people on the roads with toll booths every two miles, Florida is remarkable in the fact that it has virtually no redeeming qualities to speak of.
Its complete and total undesirability makes this state something of an enigma. If there is no good reason for anybody to ever come here, why on Earth would anybody actually decide to live here? After many hours of pondering this mystery in the Encyclopedia of Pointless Think Tank, (formerly known as the garage) our top thoughtologists delivered to us the best answers they could come up with.
- The babes.
- The beach.
- Seriously, Florida has babes, right?
When it was revealed to our thoughtologists that Florida has no more babes than any other populated American locality, they declared the situation a complete mystery. Stupid lazy sexist thoughtologists.
The History of Florida
Before Florida had any European settlers, there wasn’t anything particularly interesting going on, so we’ll skip ahead to the first European to ever set foot in the area. His name was Juan Ponce de Leon, and he was a man on a mission.
Specifically, he was looking for the fountain of youth. Bear in mind that he landed in Florida in 1513, nearly 500 years ago. It was a different time back then. To us civilized modern folk the idea of a spring that can grant freedom from aging, and therefore immortality sounds stupid, and we are quick to label Ponce de Leon as an idiot for believing that such a thing existed. But Mr. de Leon was not an idiot.
He was a villain. Look at his dastardly mug to your left if you don’t believe me! He was a soul gripped by the clutches of depravity and madness! His search for this fountain of youth was driven onwards by his burning desire to rule the world until the very end of its existence! It would have been an era of tyranny that would last forever! A malevolent, ever-present darkness that would stop only when time itself reached it’s eventual end! How dastardly! How vile!
Fortunately for all of us, the Fountain of youth did not exist, and the dastardly plans that Juan Ponce de Leon had carefully plotted out were defeated by the hero of this story: Human mortality. Since then Florida has changed somewhat, what with becoming settled by Spain and then becoming a state and, being filled with the same modern conveniences as the majority of other completely developed locations in the US. In reality the only thing to remain constant since the dark days of Ponce de Leon is how much Florida still sucks.
Florida Today
Nowadays, as in the past, Florida continues to be defined by what exists within it’s boundaries. In the past, people came to Florida foolishly searching for immortality swamps, precious metals, and other people who they could beat into submission. Today people come to Florida in search of entertainment, sightseeing, and tourism employees that they can beat into submission. Same thing, really. The only real difference is that in the past people who came to Florida sort of wandered around aimlessly, whereas today, they flock to very specific locations within the state. In our efforts to keep you well informed, we have listed several of them.
The Dark Mecca
Florida remains the only state in the entire nation that has its very own dark idol. Its massive ears cast a dismal shadow over the land. Its vapid eyes act as windows into its soul, where we see nothing but chaos and discord. And its shiny gold buttons on its bright red trousers show us a reflection of our own greed. This testament to human sin has it own sovereign nation within Florida’s boundaries. Thousands of believers make a pilgrimage to its unholy gates each year, so that they might perform their ritualistic acts of worship.
The Seaside of Depravity
For a series of one-week periods in between the months of March and May young people from all over the nation descend upon the small settlement of Daytona. The second they reach the location all memories of how they were once good, decent humans are long forgotten, and through alcoholism, drug use and bad music, they debase themselves to the lowest possible level. They proceed to make life and the act of living it miserable for any and all locals. Around a forth of them die in freak accidents involving killing ten beers and then falling off the hotel balcony. These events are regarded as poetic justice.
Field with Drainage Problems.
Environmentalists and filthy, disgusting hippies have a thing for the everglades. They go there at random intervals to just sit there and look at it. They’ll talk about the place like it’s some sort of natural miracle, a place where all your wildest dreams come true. They’ll tell you it’s an unspoiled wonderland full of magic and mysteries.
I’m telling you they’re lying. The Florida Everglades is a big stupid field with about a half inch standing water in it. In other words, it is a shallow puddle in the grass with the world record for surface area. Attempts to drain it have so far been unsuccessful, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed.
Florida’s One Redeeming Factor
We can grow oranges here. And somehow, that makes it all worth it.
| -- Beat |
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