Fighting

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

1 The Gnores fighting index
2 Related Links

The Gnores fighting index

Imagine your archnemesis has locked you in a room the size of a basketball court. He has populated this room with N five-year old children, after hand-choosing the children from a pool of size 2N. These children are evenly male or female, all healthy with no discernable abnormalities. You can't touch the walls. They're, I dunno, electric or something. Bad walls. Anyway, your Archnemesis, who is known for his bizarre executions, has trained these children tactics on how to work together to bring about your downfall. You, on the other hand, have had only one hour with which to confer with experts on how to counter these tactics. Apart from the standard-issue cup everyone involved is unprotected. Finally, these children have been drugged or brainwashed or something, in that they are fearless and bold and will not falter, even to their last.

Now, solve for N, where N is the number of five-year-olds you could take on at once.

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And now, an explaination

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures has never devised an accurate, useful, and simple system to determine and quantify fighting ability. This has long been a thorn in this writer's side, for many different reasons.

The problem has been addressed by several different unofficial groups, but most of these solutions are struck down for setting the bar too high. More often than not they set a fighting power level of "1" as equal to a proficient martial artist, which is a grave error in this writer's estimation. Foremost, it puts the vast majority of the population at a level below 1. This not only makes calculations less practical, but also damages self-esteem, which is only contributing to a terrible epidemic in today's society.

By setting the bar much, much lower we have simplified things quite a bit. Now the average person rates between 15 and 30, which improves calculations AND morale. Furthermore, it's pretty fun to think about, especially if you have siblings/cousins/neices or nephews/children of this age.

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How to calculate your Gnores fighting index

First, be an adult male. Then average your body weight for the past six months, then add your current max bench press. Factor in the results of your Physical Ability and Stamina Test, administered by a reputable testing agency. After that divide by your love for children and add how many hours of combat training you have completed. Finally divide this number by your height and add three. This should give roughly the number of children you could beat down.

Adult females could probably do the same thing and come to a reasonable conclusion, but let's be honest, can you see a woman laying the smackdown on a room full of preschoolers? If you can, does that excite you?

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