Fat
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
There is a danger looming in modern society. For the last couple of centuries thin women have been perceived as being more attractive than fat women. The danger lies in the fact that thin women are becoming more and more uncommon as they are mercilessly hunted down and eaten by the fat women. The only logical result is that in order to maintain the current reproductive rate men are going to have to convince themselves that fat women are more attractive. This must not happen. There are countertrends, and many women today use anorexia or bulimia to maintain their thin and sleek physique, and malnourished and emaciated supermodels are still hailed as queens of attractiveness.
Unfortunately there is a problem. People in general are lazy fast food eating bums. Nobody but teen girls with a warped sense of self-esteem wants to go through the effort of anorexia or bulimia to be thin. The rest of humanity is content to stew in their calories while claiming it's not their fault they're overweight. Modern science steps up to the plate with a multitude of options that are both quick and easy and only moderately risky. With these methods perhaps humanity can overcome their weight without overcoming their fat disgusting lazy natures.
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Liposuction
Liposuction works by first sucking out a great deal of the fat in a person's body then using plastic surgery to gather in all the excess flabby skin left behind. This method requires virtually no effort on the part of the liposuctionee, which is perfect match for humanity's utter laziness. The downside, however, is that this process costs a lot of money.
There is a solution, however. Currently the fat and skin left over from the process is disposed of in the same way all other medical waste is disposed. If this leftover fat is candied it becomes a delicious snack which can be sold to distributors, and thus offset the cost of the surgery. The skin? Footballs. Or maybe leather recliners.
Diet Pills
Diet pills are the new science of weight loss. Unlike snake oil, diet pills are guaranteed to have one of two effects: Nothing or heart attack. These results stem from the two main tactics these pills take.
Some pills contain dangerous chemicals that cause you to lose weight by turning your body's natural rhythms on their side. They causing you to sleep in strange places and suddenly keel over when your heart explodes from being forced to work even harder than it already has to from being burdened by fat.
The other pills block the gene that makes you fat. This is new science talk for "they don't do anything, really" because even if fatness is caused via genetics, it's the "sit on the couch and eat five foot long sub sandwiches while watching Oprah" gene rather than the "fat" gene.
Fad diets
Only the most desperate lazy oafs would consider this, since it actually requires a comparably larger amount of work. These diets usually work by instructing the dieter to eat foods that inspire them to just give up on foods entirely. Things like Watercress leaves or soy or grapefruits or lizards. Unfortunately these diets operate under the assumption that the dieter has at least a handful of self-discipline, which is unlikely since if they had any self-discipline at all they wouldn't have gotten fat in the first place.
Exercise
What is this doing here? Exercise isn't just LIKE work, it IS work. The only thing that might be worth mentioning here is some fake sorts of exercising, like Tae-Bo or Pilates. These exercises don't actually work, but they can sometimes make the exerciser feel better, which is almost like actually being attractive.
So what technique will lead the way into a new era of attractive people? Who can say. Perhaps someday modern science will invent a new method to control excess weight, like new plumbing fixtures that allow people to go the mysterious "number three".
Or perhaps not.
