Economics
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Economics is largely concerned with the passage of small pieces of paper and how people relate to these pieces of paper.
Contents |
Overview
These green pieces of paper, which serve a vital role in today’s society, are called "monies" and represent goods and services. It's generally a simpler form of currency than, say, pigs, but sadly this form fails in one vital area: it lacks intrinsic value.
The Flaws of a Reserve System
"That's all well and good," you say, "but this article is about economics, not money." Well, my impatient reader, the major flaw of having green pieces of paper as a currency is it lacks intrinsic value. The only reason anyone accepts it as valuable is because everyone accepts it as valuable. If ever there were an economic collapse, every green piece of paper on earth would no longer be taken for valued. This would make many rich people very angry. However, if these rich people had kept their fortunes in something more intrinsically valuable, such as pigs, they would never have to worry.
Things are getting worse all the time. Now it's gotten to the point where using real pieces of paper, which while still worthless are at least solid, people are using credit cards and electronic funds transfers. This isn't an economic system anymore, it's a video game! How can electrons have intrinsic value? They don't even use more electrons to send larger amounts of money! The mind boggles.
The Pork Standard
There are things to be said for pigs as currency. They're more portable than cows, and more stable than chickens. Imagine the implications of a pig-based economy. Breeding would be investing. "Filthy Rich" would take on a much more literal meaning, as would "Bringing home the bacon".
I know you've pretty much given up on this article making any sense, but hear me out. Of course people wouldn't actually tote around pigs and trade them. Good heavens no. I don't recall many people toting around gold when America was still on the Gold Standard. Nah, we'd have paper money just like before. Federal Pork Notes, we could call them. However, if you felt so inclined you could go to a bank and be able to exchange this for a pig or a portion of said pig. The upside of this is that given an economic collapse piggy banks would still have their pig vaults and would still exchange pigs for your pieces of paper, so the rich remain happy.
I suppose you people are wondering why I don't advocate a more conventional form of currency, such as gold or sterling silver. Why, that's simple. I'm sick of them. Civilization has been using them for thousands of years and they've never done us a lick of good. So, forget silly metals and try something new, that's what I say! So, I figure the economy's going to collapse eventually, so why not do it in a new, exciting way that may or may not have to do with pigs?
This is Why Not
- Pigs are smelly, rotten creatures! A common misconception. In fact, pigs are one of the cleanest creatures on earth. They just like mud because it protects their sensitive skin. If it so happens that this mud largely made up of feces, well that’s the farmer’s fault for having too small of a pigpen.
- How will the government control the value of the pig if everyone can make as many pigs as they want? Woah, woah, don’t get all Adam Smithy on me here. You’ve got a point, but pigs aren’t nearly as easy to produce as you might think. Seriously, almost instantly any property capable of supporting pigs will become vastly expensive. Only the richest people and banks will be able to buy the necessary real estate to set up wide-scale pig production facilities. This is actually better than it sounds. Imagine how good the rates for loans will be if banks can just breed more money. Pretty good, I dare say.
- One of the qualities of a good currency is longevity. Pigs aren’t exactly the longest-lasting thing on earth. Well, besides that not being a question, I figure pigs last more than long enough for currency. After all, green pieces of paper usually last for only a few years before being replaced by freshly printed money. True, you wouldn’t be able to shove a bunch of pigs in a treasure chest and bury it on a Caribbean isle, but that’s hardly the proper role of money.
- You’re an idiot. Ah, abuse! Well, I don’t have to take this. Go away, and take your negative vibes with you, you pathetic excuse for a troll.
With the ruthless logical Visigoths vanquished, I turn to restful slumber.
