Die Hard

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

Prehaps you're thinking of being an Action Hero. Well, who blames you? Action Heroes are some of the coolest people around. They fight evil, right wrongs, and always win in the end. But before you go off liberating a building from terrorists or whatever, prehaps you should look at some of these helpful hints.

Handling Henchmen 

Henchmen are a peice of cake. You can threaten them, psyche them out, or just shoot them. Better yet, do all three! Just make sure you do them in the right order. It's no use threatening the guy after you shot him. Make sure you search the guy well, since lots of times they have bullets or explosives or extra guns that make life a lot easier.

Handling the Villians 

When you finally get up to the villian and take him out make sure you shoot him in the head a few dozen times to make sure he won't get up and attack you as soon as you think it's safe. Quite a few action heroes have died of heart attacks because they weren't expecting this. Well, quite a few eighty year old action heroes died, that is. If the villian falls off the roof, watch to make sure he makes a big splash. If he falls into trees or water, you better head down there right away and find him because he won't be dead yet. It's always better to find him and shoot him right away than let him get up and sneak up on you when you don't need the extra grief.

Relatives 

If your significant other or your children or your neighbors or your pet dog sparky are even somewhat near the scene of the action, expect them to get drawn into the plot. If you get to them before the bad guys do then the best thing you can do is tie them up in duct tape and throw them in a bathroom stall. If you don't, the villian is going to find them and use them to make a really exciting climax, probably involving a hostage situation.

Hostage Situations 

A really good idea is if there's some guy that the villain is holding hostage that you know but don't particularly like, get the villain to believe the guy's really important to you. Chances are if the guy survives to the climax the villian will attempt to use the guy as a human shield. This is the perfect opportunity to shoot the villain in the head. If the villian manages to pull the trigger and shoots the guy you don't particularly like it's no big loss.

If you didn't manage to secure your relative before the villian got to them, don't panic. You just have to invent some brilliant scheme to outmanuver the villain at the climax. If he insists you drop your gun or poor sparky gets it, then drop your gun and put your hands behind your head. Then the gun you taped to your back will be within easy reach. Just make sure you don't have too much back hair. The tears of pain that result from this sort of thing make it quite difficult to shoot the villain in the head.

Dealing with Explosives 

Some people will tell you it's always the red wire, but nowadays smarmy bombmakers will toy with your mind because they know it's always the red wire. That's why they'll also have a crimson wire and a sangiune wire and a puce wire. From my experience with bomb defusals my advice is the Zen approach. Just sit back and examine your situation calmly and rationally. Then wait until the time is right (usually one second to go) and cut the wire that seems most right to cut. About eighty percent of the time you'll be right, which is pretty good odds.

Miscellaneous Info 

It's dreadfully important that you use the proper footwear. You're probably going to be walking around over a lot of broken glass and organs, so nice thick-soled boots are a must. You'll also probably be spending a lot of time climbing around in elevator shafts and in ductwork, so make sure you've got the proper attire. Maybe James Bond can pull it off in a tuxedo, but go jeans and a shirt, tight enough to not get caught in mechanicals but loose enough to allow freedom of movement. Unless of course you've got big muscles, then you can get away with a wifebeater or shirtless.

There you go. That's a good start for beginners, but remember that no amount of training can prepare you for real Action. Never fear, however, because I've seen even the most unassuming people do extrordinary things when they had nothing better to do. Try it. You'll like it.