Cupcakes

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

Weasel's Perspective

Not Pictured: Deliciousness.

Here's something that might come as a shock to those with a sweet tooth for all things sugary: I don't like cupcakes and most likely never will.

You may ask, “B-But Mr. Weasel, how is it possible for one to not like cupcakes?!”

Let me tell you something, Billy: the cake part of the cupcake itself is okay; it is just sweetened bread after all. The stuff that makes cupcakes blow donut holes is everything around the actual cake part, namely the frosting, wrapper and sprinkles.

Frosting has never been tasty to me; whenever I eat a slice of cake at a random family member's birthday party, I always just eat around the frosting (think about coloring in between the lines except with eating in place of coloring and frosting in place of lines). I don't even know what it is about frosting; maybe it's because it's always just way too bland to me. Blandness is a 3rd-degree violation of International Cake Law, you know!

The sprinkles on cupcakes are usually terrible because they're all untasty and old. If you see sprinkles in these little odd shapes that do not look like ice cream jimmies then immediately step away from them and do not ingest. If ingested, contact your local poison control agency or a glass of water to get that awful taste out of your mouth.

Cupcake wrappers are undeniably one of the worst things ever for one reason alone: they restrict you from eating the damn cupcake in the first place. These wrappers force you to either deal with the frosting first, or to remove the wrapper and cause a terrible mess of cupcake crumbs all over your brand new hot tub.

It's saddening that a cupcake, a potential source of delicious omnom, is dragged down by all the crap that makes a cupcake what it is.

Fuck you and your sprinkles, cupcakes.

Beat's Perspective

Google image search page 1 for In the Court of the Dragon, which I ripped off in this text.

So I'm talking to this guy I know, and he tells me he's watching all the cut scenes to Metal Gear Solid 4. I immediately tried to stop him, as I am a good friend, and cannot sit idly by as a relatively good man slowly destroys himself. I've tried reason and logic, but those failed. Then I tried appealing to his sense of decency, but that failed as well. Then I tried attacking him with harsh words, decrying him as a fool, a monster and a no good poopypants stupidface. This too failed. Crushed by the madness of the world around me, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I woke up seven hours later in a strange room, tied to a chair. After a few moments of struggling, a man with pale blue skin entered the room and took a seat in a chair across from me. He stared intently for a few moments, then spoke.

“How do you feel about... cupcakes?”

“They alight' man.” I replied.

The blue man rose to his feet. “You have done well, strange creature.” The restraints suddenly fell from my body, and I rose to my feet. “Very well indeed.”

“Cool.” I said. Suddenly the world fell away from me, and I saw the black stars hanging in the heavens: and the wet winds from the lake of Hali chilled my face. Then I sank into the depths, and I heard the King in Yellow whispering to my soul: "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God!"

Goldspan's Perspective

GET OUT OF MY CAR YOU TURD!!!

Cupcakes are fruity. Some are actually fruity, like have actual fruit in them, although I can't imagine why anyone would want to put themselves through that torture. But all cupcakes are fruity fruity as in 'oh my god, that's so fruity'. What do people mean when they say this? I'm not really sure actually. They say it about people a lot. Guys are often referred to a 'fruity' but girls never are. I can only assumed there's a bunch of guys out there with strawberries in their pants. Why would you do that? It sounds really uncomfortable. They would get all squished and slimy and it would just create a huge mess. Or maybe they put watermelons in there. But those are really heavy.

You know what's not fun? Having a dolphin in your car. They are really freaking annoying.

Or maybe they use pineapples. That sounds painful. The points would rub all over their legs and probably make them bleed and their blood would get all over the ground and mix into the dirt and then they wouldn't be able to use the dirt for road construction. Maybe they can make cupcakes out of it. Then it wouldn't go to waste. But keep all the pineapples juices out of it. That would not be a good cupcake. A cupcake with pineapple juice would just make everyone vomit. Not like the yummy ones made out of dirt and blood.

Stupid fucking dolphins.