Commercials

Cannibal-Treets #1

Dog: I'm a dog. I have no concept of morals and moral decisions. Because of this, I choose Cannibal-Treets, the only dog food made from 100% dog meat.
Announcer: That's right, dogs LOVE Cannibal-Treets! And your checkbook will love it too, 50% less than normal dog food!
Dog: I love the different variaties, everything from "Beagle Bites" to "Poodle Peices".
Announcer: They're so good, I'm even feeding them to grannie!
Grannie: We love it!
Announcer: Cannibal-Treets, Buy it wherever you can get past the PETA protesters.

Dog: They say it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and they're right.
Announcer: But luckily, you don't have to deal with it. Now, for a limited time only, when you buy a can of Chunky Chiuaua, Teriaki Terrier, or Bits'o'Boxer, you'll get a free sample of our new dry food! We lovingly mold each bite using a paste made from only the choicest ground-up bits.
Dog: What do we care? We lick our own butts. Isn't that a sign of how developed our taste is?
Announcer: He's got a point. Cannibal Treets! Find them around behind your local grocery.

Man: Gosh, honey. I like grandma and all, but she's getting really old and senile.
Woman: Why, just today she lit the couch on fire, screaming it was posessed by demons!
Man: I don't want to put her in a home, that's just uncaring.
Woman: I wish there was someone out there that could help us.
Dr. Cabbage: I can!
Man: Who the heck are you?
Dr. Cabbage: I'm Doctor Cabbage, head surgeon of the Utah Clinic of Euthenasia.
Woman: Ooh, head surgeon? Does that mean you work on people's brains?
Dr. Cabbage: No, sorry, I specialize in ending the suffering of old people.
Man: Gosh, that sounds nice!
Dr. Cabbage: Here, tie grannie's foot to this table.
Woman: Oh boy!

Gunshot

Man: Thank you, you've solved all our problems!
Announcer: The Utah Clinic of Euthenasia. Solving all your problems since 1973.
Woman: Where are you taking the body?

Announcer: Were you one of those people who was taken in by the Year 2000 bug? Were you really looking forward to chaos and anarchy? Well, we've got the answer! Well, we've got the answer. In a remote part of Wyoming, we've bought a hundred thousand acres of no rules. The sky's the limit at Anarchy Ranch! Just listen to these satisfied customers:
Man: The man with the biggest guns wins!

Rifle Cocks

Man: That's the way the world should really work!
Woman: My kids absolutely love to set off garbage cans full of gasoline. Well, now they can do it whenever they want! Thanks, Anarchy Ranch!
Man: I haven't had this much fun since that time I climbed the clocktower!

Sounds of laughter interspersed with gunshots

Woman: over continuing gunshots I thought we had freedom under the US constitution, excuse me-

Loud gunshot, then a pause

Woman: As I was saying it's nothing compared to Anarchy Ranch!
Announcer: For more information dial 1-800-ANARCHY. That's 1-800-A-N-A-R-C-H-Y!

Announcer: Are you one of those people who simply doesn't care what they eat? That's great, because the Industrial Food Conglomerate is one of those companies that doesn't care what they put into our food. We make food at half the price of other companies, and we can almost garuntee that our products contain no toxic chemicals, a claim I don't hear coming from those other guys. So remember, when you want something to eat, but don't care a bit what it's made from, go for a ready-made meal from the Industrial Food Conglomerate. IFC: Our Food Is Edible.

Fast Tony: I'm fast tony and I like ta see all a youse at Fast Tony's come back for more of our great food. So when the Industrial Food Conglomerate cut us a deal to test a new highly addictive substance in our pizzas, I was thrilled. All a youse must be thrilled too, because every night I get more and more orders. Remember my promise: If it's not there in thirty minutes or less, tough, because I own yas now.

Fast Tony: We here at Fast Tony's Pizza would like to take the time to assure all a youse that we are in no way affilliated with organized crime. Fast Tony's Pizza is by no means a front, I can assure youse, and I am sure this recent police investigation will turn up no less. But if we find any of your buddies goes around spoutin' oterwise we might have a nice conversation with the guy, real friendly-like. And remember our promise: If it's not there in thirty minutes or less, it's not the Mafia's fault.

Crazy Ed: I'm Craaaaaaazy Ed and I'm REALLY crazy about cars! I LOOOOOOOVE them! They makes me HAAAAPY. IF you brings me your cars, I'll gives you money! Lots of money! If you want cars... NO. MY CARS. I KEEP THEM ALL for EVER. LOTS OF CARS... CARS CARS CARS CARS *continues chanting through the sound of two men carting him away. His voice slowly fades.*
Man: Sorry about that. We promise we won't let him out when you're at our dealership. Unless of course you only come in to look and don't buy anything. Then we'll give him your address and tell him you want to take his cars away. He'll murder you! SO you better buy cars from us! WHOO HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE-Hey, no! Don't put me in there with him! He's CRAZY! No, no, please! I'll be good! OH NOOOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: What would YOU do for a Yukon Pie?
Man: In this weather? I'd sell my soul!
Announcer: What a coincidence! We can have that arranged.
Satan: Just sign this little contract.
Man: Oh, boy! I love the smooth chocolate crust with yummy ice cream in the middle! *chomp*
Satan: Better enjoy that now, because where you're going we don't have Yukon Pies!

Everyone laughs evilly

Announcer: What would you do for a Yukon Pie?
Man: Hell, I'd do my own sister for one!
Announcer: Okay, that's just sick, even by our standards. Out. Out. Get out.
Man: Fine, jeez. I just wanted a tasty Yukon Pie, the smooth chocolate crust with yummy ice cream in the middle just gets me all excited every time I think about it.
Announcer: You're disgusting. You don't deserve a pie.
Jingle: Yukon Pies! They Is The Tops!

-- Mr. Encyclopedia