College Students
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
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College students are strange, university-dwelling creatures, known for their drunkenness, laziness, and ability to wave signs.
In fact, their population has increased in size quite drastically over the last few decades. What once was a path left to the muck dwellers of Patrician society is now a source of refuge for the high-minded Plebe.
Never before has there been such a flow of liberalism, socialism, communism and protesting to spew from one dangerously moldy source. In general, college students are noted for participating in activities that most of the rest of the world finds to be repugnant.
Not all college students are the same however. Some college students have discovered an escape from the 10th circle of hell that is liberal university politicking, and choose instead to point and laugh at the follies of their fellow collegians.
This article dares to reveal the dark, dank, musty underbelly of the world of post-secondary academia for what it really is.
Dark. Dank. And musty.
Contents |
Habitats
Before we begin an in-depth analysis of the anomaly that is the ‘college student’ we must first look at the environment in which this creature thrives. Contrary to popular belief, the standard collegiate dwells in not one, but three distinct places.
The Classroom
This locale is where one is most likely to find a student roaming about. It is in this place where the college student’s mind is first infected with the viruses of anti-capitalism and postmodernist freakishness.
With class titles such as “Reincarnation: What it means to you” and “Underwater Basketweaving,” what more could we really expect.
In fact, the underlying cause of this ‘social rebellion’ is the professors themselves. The majority of these ‘highly esteemed academicians’ are actually the grown up versions of the goofy looking supernerd that you consistently poked fun at during high school. Their passive aggressive behavior is now extended to a misplaced attempt to corrupt the next generation of potentially productive citizens.
Some of these students are unfortunately trapped in the cycle themselves and progress to the level of ‘graduate student.’
This is defined as: “A student who is inherently incapable of adapting to the real world upon graduation from a post-secondary institution, and by extension has chosen to continue their social degeneration by continued attendance at a university, purportedly for the purpose of attaining higher stature among the nerds of society.”
Some few of these students will become the ever mocked professors, and so the cycle of classroom infection is continued.
The Dorm
While a good number of the more conservative students are smart enough to either live at home with their parents or rent out an apartment near the university, a large number of more liberal minded lab rats have been brainwashed into believing that it is not only better financially to accept the substandard living arrangements that the university has to offer, but it is their social ‘responsibility’ to live in them.
Taking a closer look at these living quarters is not recommended, but for those few brave souls that dare to venture deep into these caverns of the abyss, a few precautions are in order.
- Bring a gas mask. All kinds of toxic materials are known to pervade the air in these buildings.
- Wear durable clothing. For much the same reason as above, weaker clothing will likely disintegrate upon contact with the toxins in the atmosphere.
- Have a strong stomach. Watching college students in their natural habitat can be disturbing. After all, a creature that willingly, even eagerly, consumes three week old moldy pizza and stale beer without a second thought is the lowest level of scavenger.
- Shotgun (optional) It may be necessary to destroy one or two sign-waving specimens on your way into the building.
The Coffee House
- (AKA Starbucks)
The closest that the average college student will ever come to actually pervading normal society is that demon of mass caffeine production: the coffee house. It is here that the most dangerous ideas of liberalism, socialism, and post-teenage angst are shared, accepted, and promoted. Some varieties of this location include such evils as: postmodern art, bad poetry, and worse music.
Coffee houses are also considered evil because of their insistence on using Latin words to describe some things, and English words to describe others. Also, because Tall coffees… despite the name, are not Tall.
The combination of the evils of coffee houses, and their college student denizens makes them dangerous places to visit indeed.
Taxidermy of Collegia
Now that you are suitably equipped to recognize the natural habitat of the college student, we can take the study one step further: Identifying the different orders of the students themselves.
At first glance, most, if not all, college students appear to be the same. However, after several dangerous expeditions – and the loss of one of our best men – we can now bring you the most up to date classification info available.
The Jock
The most obtrusive member of the collegiate society is that of the Jock. They are easily identified by their letterman jackets and bad haircuts. After weeks of observation, we came to realize that the Jock’s status in the hierarchy of student society is different based on one thing. Perspective.
The Jock feels that he is the embodiment of school spirit, and a god among the mere mortals with whom he must associate. He is the source of publicity for the school, and the very thing that determines the schools popularity. Never mind the fact that he plays second string on the intramural lacrosse team. He. Is. The. University.
From the point of view of the lower levels of society, however, the Jock is a very different person. Here is a quote (translated into English from collegespeak) from one such student: “They’re just big dumb jerks who got a free ride into school. Most of them are majoring in idiot.” From this we determine that other levels are jealous of the Jock’s popularity. Or at least, that’s what one Jock told us.
The Art Major
Perhaps one of the more enigmatic creatures found on the ‘campus’ was the Art Major. Even this broad class could be broken down into several categories: Art History, Music, Literature, and Underwater Basketweaving.
Despite the different names, this group all behaved in roughly the same manner. It seems that there is among this group a breakdown in the evolutionary chain as they progress from teenager to collegiate. The natural dissolution of a hormone called ‘angst’ does not function correctly among Art Majors. This has led, in many cases, to an outbreak of bad poetry, and general isolation from the rest of society.
The Art Major is the most reclusive (in their eyes) of the college students, despite being the most prevalent. They claim to be misunderstood geniuses of their craft, waiting only for some person to recognize their brilliance.
We didn’t recognize any such thing.
The Nerd
Most prevalent in End Gin Hearing colleges, the Nerd is indeed the most frightening specimen of all. The Nerd’s pasty skin emanates an eerie glow that nearly blinded several members of our time on first contact. Most Nerds seemed to be wearing some kind of visual enhancement package. Perhaps these goggles assist in deterring the glow. We couldn’t be sure, as when we finally obtained a set, we could not see anything clearly through them at all.
In general, the Nerd is highly impressed with his own intelligence and most claim to be the most knowledgeable expert in their field. When we finally tagged one subject to follow, we determined that most Nerds spend a great quantity of time in areas devoid of sunlight, similar to a fungus. They spend the largest portion of their days staring at a bright light emanating from a device that one Nerd claimed was a computing machine. The difference between what they used and what we generally call a computer, was an organism known only by the code name: LINUX.
While exploring the realms of the Nerds we came across something that terrified us to no end, and ultimately resulted in the loss of our team members to dymentia:
The Everquest Junkie
Deep in the bowels and recesses of Nerd society, there are an elite few. They might be considered the ruling force of the Nerd government, but their faces are hardly ever seen.
We found one.
The stench upon entering the lair of this demon Nerd was almost unbearable. The air reeked of stale sweat, musty Mountain Dew cans and six week old bags of Cheetohs. The only source of light shone from a screen, and what was displayed on that screen was too terrible to recall. At one point, a team member tried to light a lamp in the room, but that only sent the Everquest Junkie scurrying into a closet like a scared cockroach.
Communication with the creature resulted only in a strange series of messages that even our best linguists could not translate. Constant repetitions of “I 15 73h |-|4><><()r5!!one1” were all we could extract, but no meaning could be determined.
Sadly, one of our team attempted to infiltrate the system that the Everquest Junkie was using, and was immediately sucked viciously into the Everquest universe. We fled at that point, forced to leave our colleague behind.
The Social Butterfly
For these strange and weirdly beautiful creatures College is not the place of learning that perhaps it is meant to be. To the Social Butterfly College is the most convenient way of meeting peers. It is unclear to what end the Social Butterfly seeks its own. Perhaps they enjoy the friendship and camaraderie. Perhaps they are philatelic but collect people instead. Maybe they're murderous stalkers, bent on one day killing all the friends they have amassed in a shocking bloodbath that leaves the school never quite feeling the same to its thousands of students.
Whatever the reason, it's pretty clear that Social Butterflies are harmless. The worst case senario would be that a social butterfly becomes your friend, which is generally a pleasant experience. They are often seen at parties, but unlike the Frat Boy they go to parties not to drink beer and copulate incessantly, but to talk to other people in a form of human interaction that is rarely seen in Collegic life. Because of their people-collecting nature Social Butterflies tend to glom into groups, sometimes called "Cliques".
It is in these Cliques where something strange happens to the Social Butterfly. While alone they are harmless and generally interesting to talk to in Cliques the opinions of their fellows within the Clique becomes more important than their own desire to associate with others. This Peer Pressure that results often causes Social Butterflies to shun the other archetypes of College, especially the Nerds, who even individual Social Butterflies have trouble interacting with. Social Butterflies often involve themselves in theatrics, such as Cheerleading or Drama, which causes them to associate with Jocks and Art Majors, respectively.
