Closets

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

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Closets: Small rectangular boxes of pure evil. No good can come from the horrible mini-rooms, only despair and sadness. Why, you ask? Well…

Contents 1 Closets Contain Horrible Demons. 2 Closets Contain Old Junk You Never Throw Out 3 Closets are Full of Clothes 4 Closets Must be Cleaned 5 Closets Are Painful To Construct 6 Closets Are Often Associated With Annoying Figures of Speech

Closets Contain Horrible Demons.

Not true, you say? Well sure, it might not be true now but back when you were six your closet was crawling with horrible super-beasts. Demons that would make the ones in “Devil May Cry” go running home to their mommies. Demons that feast on human flesh and drag your soul into the very deepest portions of hell. There may not be any in your closet now, but they’ll be back. You’ll see.

Closets Contain Old Junk You Never Throw Out

Most of a closet is filled with clothes, but there’s always some old junk in there that you won’t throw out. It might be a pile of board games or toys from your grade school days or powerful relics of darkness or something! You haven’t given any of them a good look in years. Even if you did try to go through all that rubbish you wouldn’t be able to throw it out. You’ll find something that evokes some childhood memory and sit on the floor reminiscing for the next twenty minuets. Then you’ll find something better to do.

Closets are Full of Clothes

This might not sound so bad, but have you ever considered how much of those clothes you actually wear? It’s not much! You have no need for four polo shirts if you only go to church once a week. You have no need for 3 pairs of shoes if you only have one pair of feet. And there are only 7 days in a week, so therefore you should only require 7 t-shirts and 7 pairs of pants. Your excess clothes will mostly just sit there, collecting dust and, over time, probably evolving into beings with basic sentience.

Closets Must be Cleaned

Approximately once every 5 years, the amount of terrifyingly evil stuff will reach a maximum, and you will be forced into the depths of your closet to clean out the excess garbage. The time a process like this can take is scarily long. Sometimes, in worst case situations, you might actually have to replace shelves and throw out old stuff. It’s terrible I say.

Closets Are Painful To Construct

I’m not kidding. Often bigger closets will have crazy shelving made out of wires or plywood or something. The problem is that closet doors are always so darn small. That means that all the shelves and bars that you hang shirts on had to be put together INSIDE THE CLOSET. As one might expect, building stuff like that in such a small area is not good for one’s mental health. I speak from experience.

Closets Are Often Associated With Annoying Figures of Speech

I’m talking about phrases like “Coming out of the closet,” or “Skeletons in the closet.” Man, I hate those.

In short, closets are the single most evil part of your place of dwelling. If the good Lord had intended us to use them, he would have made them grow on trees or something. Avoid closets at all costs.

-- Beat

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