Chess

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

After watching other people play chess countless numbers of times, one can come to the conclusion that it actually does not have any real rules. The players just make it up as they go along, in order to make themselves look smarter than the less-mentally-endowed who aren't part of the "in crowd" (a.k.a. MENSA). With this revelation, and after painstaking observation, a list magically appears of the things you have to know to fake chess like the pros, and make yourself look smart.

How To Play

• First, put all your small pieces in front, and all the other pieces somewhere in the back, on either side of the board. The order of the back pieces doesn't really matter, as long as you keep it symmetrical. And those big pieces go in the middle.

• Now, just stare at the board for a while. Pretend you're thinking. Rub your chin. Start to reach for a piece, stop, and retract your hand. This much'll fool anybody.

• Here is when it starts getting tougher. Eventually, you'll have to actually move a piece. You'll want to either start with one of the tiny ones, or a horse. The horses can jump around pretty much wherever they want. They're special like that.

• Next, you must wait while your opponent (a.k.a. "accomplice") moves. You must really be convincing here, acting like the gears are working upstairs on something important. Dart your eyes around, like you're planning out the next few moves in your head. Bury your face in your hands. Trust me, the more stuff you do to your head with your hands, the more it looks like you're thinking really hard.

• Once your opponent has moved, reassess the situation (dart your eyes around some more). If one of your opponent's pieces is too close to one of yours, or in a straight line from it, or is just looking at you the wrong way, move your piece onto the same space. Knock your opponent's piece nonchalantly off the board with a satisfying "clack." Don't smile, or let anybody catch on to your pride. Since you're playing chess, you're already better than them anyway. They know it. You don't have to prove it by showing it off.

• The most impressive looking chess game is one in which you just stare at the board for 5, sometimes more than 10 or 15 minutes before making a move. The expection is when you're playing a timed game, in which it looks even more impressive to make a move after only 1 or 2 minutes of staring. If nobody is watching you at the moment, rearrange all the pieces, and remove four or five of them, so it looks like you're playing a really good game.

• Oh yeah, and every fifth time, right after you move, just say, "Check." Say it even more often near the end of the game.

• Once there are only a few pieces left, start winding down the game by chasing around one of the big pieces (it doesn't really matter which one), saying "check" a lot, until you think you've really impressed the lowly idiots watching. Then look up boldly, and say, "Checkmate." Your opponent should at this point shake his head in shame, pick up his big piece, and either drop it on its side on the board, or throw it across the room and through a window (this may hurt his smartness image, but it'll boost yours immensely).

Now you know one of the best kept secrets among "smart" people across the globe, and you can joing their elite ranks. Anybody who tells you that you just don't know how to play is a lower life form who isn't worthy of the true knowledge of chess's "rules." Just humor them, and say, "OK, you're right." You know you're better than them anyway.

The Peices

We have now learned how to successfully masquerade as a chess professional. However, as any true fake, I mean Grandmaster, will tell you, there’s no just knowing how to play chess. You must know how to talk chess, and this involves understanding the pieces. So without further ado…

The King 

For being the important guy in the back, he is pretty much useless. This is because he is a figurative king in the sense of the ironic phrase, “A man’s home is his castle.” The King moves slowly because he’s constantly wallowing in chips, KFC buckets, and Mountain Dew which the Queen keeps him supplied in via IV.

The Queen 

The Queen is an enlightened woman, but not in the traditional sense. Rather than refusing to serve her husband, she has weighted him down so she is free to go about her business, which in chess consists of “capturing” men on the other team. She also usually ends up dueling the other queen for some vague feeling of superiority. Undoubtedly the winner will date the White Knight to prove a point and then dump him immediately.

The Bishops 

There are two bishops. Each bishop moves on a different half of the board, by color. They call it delegation, but in reality the bishops are a continuation of the Great Schism of 1054. We’re not sure which Bishop is the black half of the church, but rumor has it that the Pope always plays white.

The Knights 

The knights are the schemers. Their movement is erratic and they plot endlessly, knowing they’re safe behind their red beards.

The Castles 

The Castles (or rooks) are nerds. They have immense power bottled up inside, but they just hide in the corner because they’re constricted by stupid peasants. But if they’re patient, eventually they’ll get their chance to kill
Linu-, er, the King, and rule the world.

The Pawns 

The pawns are the blue-collar peasants and forum posters that power the world. They gladly rush to fight the other pawns, because someone told them they’d all be queens someday. Without these guys, the important people would get shot first and wars would be over sooner. Thank God for pawns!

So now you know.