Carpentry
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Carpenters do various building trade-type things. Who doesn't like carpenters? You? Well, read on and let's see if we can't change that perception.
Contents |
Overview
The word "Carpenter" comes from the latin roots car meaning "Automobile" and penter meaning "Parked all over the job site". The average job site contains anywhere from ten to fifty billion carpenters, and apparantly their union contract forces them to all drive separately, buy enormous vans or trucks, and arrive at least one hour before everyone else to take all the best parking places. Consequently they dominate the site, controlling valuable parking positions and using their influence to get their way. Almost any action on the job site, be it unloading a truck, setting something up in the driveway, or eating a lunch, first requires that you find the owner of whatever car is in the way and either get him to move his vehicle or get his keys to do it yourself.
Carpenters' cars tend to have a lot of scratches and dents. Research is unclear if these two facts are indeed related in some manner.
Jurisdiction
Beyond utter control of everything everywhere, Carpenters also exert their influence to ensure that only skilled and well-trained professional carpenters are performing their rightful duties.
Wood-related Activities
- If wood is somehow involved in the building process you can be sure it's a carpenter's job. Whether it's putting a floor joist in the way of plumbing, putting a floor joist in the way of heating, or putting a floor joist in the way of electrical, nine times out of ten it's a Carpenter that arrives three hours after calling him to look at the joist for fifteen minutes before asking you why you can't just move your stuff over to the side instead of having to move the joist itself.
- Carpenters are also responsible for putting nails into every flat surface on the face of the planet, regardless of whether or not it should have nails in it, or indeed is damaged by the presence of nails.
Yelling
- After a great deal of negotiations with the other trades it was agreed that Carpenters spend the most time yelling, and thus are given jurisdiction over this work practice. The other trades are still allowed some yelling, of course, but when it's really serious yelling the other trades are encouraged to seek out a carpenter to do the yelling for them.
- If they can find a carpenter that isn't already busy yelling at their Apprentice, that is.
Inventing lewd new lyrics to popular songs
- Carpenters often sing loudly and offkey various alternate lyrics to popular musics. These can occasionally be humorous, but more often they involve scatalogical subjects and juvinile humor. The following are some examples of their wit.
- Massage in a Butthole - The Police
- Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me - Elton John
- Carpenters also rarely observe the First Rule of Musical Ethics.
Getting Drunk
- This is a hotly contested work practice between the Carpenters and the Cement Workers. Both sides argue that beer is the core component in achieving the low level of excellence commonly expected of both.
Probably some Other Things
- Carpenters are probably responsible for other things too, like drywall or something, but frankly once you get to the "Getting Drunk" part of their job description they, much like this list, lose interest in continuing.
The Future of Carpentry
According to environmentalists wood is vanishing at an alarming rate and within ten years the Earth will be reduced to a scorched, withering wasteland with all the topsoil choking the world's oceans and causing mass starvation.
At that time many futurists predict most carpentry will be performed with metal studs, or specially processed organic slabs constructed out of the dried and pressed remains of those less fortunate than ourselves. Whatever the material, we can be sure that as long as beer remains in production Carpenters will continue producing horrifically overpriced housing at equally low production values.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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