Brides

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

Brides are people that get married for some reason. They are generally female and even more generally wear white. The following things are known about Brides:

They eat a lot.
Weddings.
The purpose of the Bride is to flip out and kill people.

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History

In the distant past Brides were chosen at random by their parents. Usually this was to secure some mutually advantageous transaction with another set of parents. This may be for political purpouses, for common defense against a greater foe, or for the acquisition of huge tracts of land. These early arrangements, or "Marriages" as they came to be called, were an incredibly important part of civilization at that time.

If The Princess Bride is any indication the average lifespan of a Bride was approximately fifteen minutes. It seems that as soon as a bride is formed they can be murdered without affecting the business transaction they facilitated. In fact, it seems that sometimes the transaction could not truly begin until the bride has been killed and some innocent third party can be blamed and decimated for his inactions.

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Modern-day Brides

In today's increasingly Capitalist society the purpouse of a bride has shifted from making money for the parents to making money for the soulless corporations. The corporations propogate various myths by advertising that brides should form from love and a sense of mutual responsibility, rather than advantageous situations for third parties. This is doubly beneficial to the soulless corporations since it means not only are brides unwilling to submit to practices they now believe to be "barbaric" and "SOOOOO Middle-ages," but also the corporations are never suspected for their role in the shift.

The shift from the Historical Bride to the Modern-Day Bride is said to have started in the 1700's, when an entrepreneur in Boston opened a store specifically for brides. Since parents generally had bridal artifacts left over from previous transactions the young storeowner instead focused on the Bride herself. He offered dresses, rings, and Gazebos; every thing a Bride could want were offered by his store. To further improve business he published a publication that was a catalogue cleverly disguised as a magazine. Since the half-life of a Bride is about 7.5 minutes they rarely ever purchased more than one of these "magazines" so few people caught on to the fact that the contents of said magazine were virtually unchanged from month to month. Those that did discover those things had their throats cut in a dark alley, as it was the preferred method at that time.

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