Barbies

From The Encyclopedia of Pointless

As of late, many things have changed in the Barbie world. Ken has been given the boot, and Barbie now shares the pink 'vette with some Aussie surfer named Blaine. In the opposite of most plastic surgeries, her breasts get smaller. Kids and friends come and go and she can't seem to decide on whether to be Miss America, or a down and out hobo. How many life problems can a molded piece of plastic survive? Well, I am going to make some suggestions to improve the quality of life for dolls all over the world!

1. Lose the blonde hair. How many years can a doll go, while still having the mentality of a blonde? I mean, she is too stupid to keep a job. She has tried everything from a doctor to a street bum. Get some practical brains lady!
2. Get a steady guy. There are many action figures that would fall all over Barbie, assuming that she gets some brains. Suggestions: Any of the GI Joes would be good guys to go for. WW2 veterans would likely be the most mentally and financially stable.
3. Get some decent friends. I mean, c’mon, her friends might as well be blonde; all they care about is partying with Barbie. “Oh Barbie, do you want to have a party at my pool?”, “Hey Barbie, do you want to set up a double date with Ken and whoevermyboyfriendis?” Sheesh, get a life people. I would suggest some friends that might actually be able to help. I want a 40 year old mom of 8, that drives a 15 passenger van, doll as Barbie’s mentor..
4. Get a decent car! A hot pink corvette convertible is not the way to go. Especially for a girl. I think Barbie should trade in the ‘vette for a sedan of some sort, in a decent color. Her husband should go with a ¾ pickup as his work vehicle, and an old mustang, GTO, T-bird, or other muscle car of choice for his “blue skies” vehicle.
5. Decide on how many kids you want. I mean, she usually has one kid, and she ain’t even married yet. She also “works” outside the home, which means that Ken is a deadbeat dad, or the kid gets sent to childcare all day. I think that Ken should get a job, and Barbie stay home with the kid. Or kids. Which I would prefer if Barbie actually took some time to raise kids, instead of going out and having fun for herself.

As it goes, Barbie needs to settle down from the high rolling, party-all-night life style that she has been living, and get a life. You may think this is too serious, you may think it sexist, but Barbie will end up needing more plastic surgery for stress lines if she keeps this up.