Baconeer
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
As far back as men have taken to the high seas in flimsy and often wooden vessels, so too have men taken to the high seas in perhaps slightly more sturdy vessels with the intent to rob the first men. Piracy of this form is an ancient and noble profession, and is still carried out by geeks and nerds intent on bringing the entire entertainment industry to its knees.
This, however, has very little to do with the phenom of the Baconeer.
Contents |
History
In the early 22nd century most meat production had shifted from livestock to fleshvats. These vats were filled with nutrients and a genetically engineered muscle tissue that would grow on its own. Things went awry, however, as things so often do when Man tinkers with the domain of God. Out of Vat 235, in the South Dakota Pork Production Center, arose a single being of immense strength and intellect, apparently a random act of spontaneous generation. Evolutionists were thrilled at the prospect of a documented case of spontaneous generation until this porcine horror turned out to be genuinely evil and dangerous. He took control of the plant and quickly took to making more like himself, sparking a war unlike any that had come before.
This war will, of course, not be talked about in great detail because there are plenty of cable channels if you want to hear about that kind of dry boring military stuff.
In the end the porcine uprising was put down, but in exchange the governments allowed the surviving Sus Superior to live out the natural course of their lives unmolested by humanity.
The Baconeers Today
Unfortunately for both parties some of these hamdemons decided to go off and recapture the spirit of ancient pirates, calling themselves "Baconeers". These restless ones went all out with the imagery, even to wearing "eyepatches" and having "parrots" perch on their "shoulder". The image is far from perfect, but it's still all very intimidating. Biologists speculate that most or all of what they know about Pirates comes from watching Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and playing The Secret of Monkey Island on an ancient 386 pillaged from a computer museum.
Despite all this the Baconeers have caused more than 350 dollars in damages. Considerably more, in fact, by several orders of magnitude.
Biology
Genetically the Porcine are very similar to the nonviable tissue inside the numerous meat vats of 22nd century earth. Unfortunately for most Biologists the Porcine are not prone to submit to testing, so little is known apart from autopsies done on corpses captured during the war. In terms of their physical structure the Porcine are more similar to sea sponges or jellyfish than any higher order of creatures. They have no organs or even physical characteristics, although their body shape is vaguely humanoid. Biologists speculate all the functions of their body are evenly distributed across their mass. They take in nutrients much like an Amoeba, by absorbing it into their body and then distributing digesting globules across their mass. This entirely decentralized structure makes them immune to critical hits and very difficult to kill. Some of the hungrier biologists report they still taste very similar to vat pork, but perhaps with a more smoky, "wild game" flavor that some may find appealing.
Cooking Instructions
Preheat oven to 325. Note that since most Porcine weigh in excess of 700 pounds it will have to be a huge oven. You can probably baste it too, or something. Try not to burn it, if possible.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
| Click here for more by this author |
