Babies
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Babies are a very odd idea. As you have undoubtedly noticed, people have rather large brains. And these large brains take up a large amount of room. So, while most smaller-brained animals are capable of walking and moving about, babies are born rather underdeveloped, so as to reduce undue wear and tear on mothers. In this fashion, babies are born with very few instincts, and are virtually helpless at birth save two distinct features. The first is that babies are very cute. Many young animals all have the same traits: large forehead, large eyes, scrunched face. These features cause a distinct reaction in most mammals. It's not unheard of one species taking care of another's young for this reason. But this defense is highly passive, and doesn't work nearly as well on hungry or blind animals. This is where the babies' other defense comes in. Babies have a range of cries that range from "Look at me" all the way to "topple buildings".
This sonic defense is well documented. In Tibet in the early 60's, there was a child born whose cries caused avalanches. In the early 70's, a scientist by the name of Rodger Jugginsworth devised a complex sonic amplifier that would take the cries of a child, gently squeezed, and focus them on targets miles away, with the destructive potential of a Hiroshima bomb. Unfortunately, the project was deemed to be cruel to children. However, in the Yucca Mountain facility, the dormant remains of the baby cannon, and its smaller hand-held Infantile Sonic Amplifier, or ISA, cousins lie, waiting for the day when it again becomes necessary to load our babies into strange contraptions that turn cries for love and affection into a deadly wave of destruction.
After reading all this about terrible weapons, you might think that babies are clearly nature's way of saying "Please blow up stuff". But you're wrong. Babies aren't all about destruction. They are also about eating and sleeping. Unlike most air plants, and all single celled organisms, babies must absorb nutrients with a complex array of organs that process and break down foodstuffs. Many babies drink a special substance called "Milk" which is provided with their mother, and contains most of the nutrients required by the Baby. Other Babies who do not receive milk must find other ways to gain nourishment, such as licking rocks, catching and eating small animals, or absorbing nutrients from a large yolk sac on their abdomen.
Another thing babies do is sleep. Studies on the sleep habits of babies have shown that their sonic defense is at its most ready when a baby is nearing its time to sleep or is currently sleeping. Often babies will resist sleep while making sonic assaults on anything it can find, and sometimes the displeasure of being awoken results in a sonic attack. Oddly, many parents decide that a special time of the day called a "nap" is required for their child, where it must sit alone in its room while unleashing sonic attacks all over the place. The origin of this practice is unknown, but it is truly a barbaric practice and should be abolished whenever it is discovered.
This is all there is to know about babies.
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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