Apple
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Everyone has heard of An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away. It was originally enacted by apple growers to keep apple sales up when alcoholic apple cider was abolished during the prohibition. Does this ancient saying ring true today? I decided to find out.
Contents |
Day One - Monday
I have scheduled a regular physical for this Friday, and shall eat one apple per day up to that point. Today's apple was difficult. I think it was a little rotten or something near the center, as it had some kind of hard chewy bits in it. I'm committed to my task however and will persevere. The stem was difficult to eat as well.
Day Two - Tuesday
After consulting some friends I have discovered the So-called "core" of the apple is in fact inedible, and should be thrown out. It strikes me as a little odd that a natural object crafted by evolution would include parts with no discernible use. In any case, eating the apple was far easier without chewing through the center.
Day Three - Wednesday
Rations are low, as are our spirits. I'm afraid we shall never reach the summit at this rate. I'm thinking of murdering Charles and cooking him. This should raise spirits as well as produce fresh rations. If you find this journal tell my wife she loves me.
Day Four - Thursday
Ugh, these stupid apples every day are driving me nuts. I can't stand them any longer, even without eating the cores! Thank goodness tomorrow ends this horrid experiment and I can go back to a bag of Oreos a day.
Day Five - Friday
Failure! The doctor didn't even seem uneasy around me. I even used my last-ditch doctor deterrent: I ate an apple in the presence of a doctor. He praised me! He even quoted the very hypothesis of this experiment, although he added there was no scientific backing to the adage. He was very invasive as well.
Day Six - Saturday
Yesterday's failure at the clinic has given me a second wind. I have decided to continue the experiment indefinitely, while at the same time increasing apple consumption. I believe the full effect of the apples takes some time to develop.
Day Two Hundred Forty-Seven - Wednesday
I had forgotten why I eat nearly a bushel of apples a day when I rediscovered this journal. I can't smell anything but apples, my girlfriend left me, and I feel compelled to wear a tin pot on my head, but I believe the apple power has taken full effect.
What follows is the transcript from a tape recording of a forced encounter with an Emergency room doctor.
Me
- What's up, doc?
Doctor
- Ugh, what's that smell?
<Loud rustling>
Doctor
- It smells like feces mixed with... Apples.
Me
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Doctor
- It's you, isn't it? Stay away from me!
<More rustling>
Me
- Ha! Success! Tremble before me!
Orderly
- Need some help, Doctor Brown?
Doctor
- Thank goodness you're here. Take him to the psych ward.
Me
- What? No! Stay back! My apple power compels you!
<sounds of struggle>
Orderly
- <unintelligible> Stop that. Hey Pete, would you-<unintelligible>
Me
- The apples! They have forsaken me!
<more struggle, tape abruptly ends.>
| -- Mr. Encyclopedia |
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