Adult Beverages
From The Encyclopedia of Pointless
Adult Beverages are any one of several liquid-type drinks that are not of a juvenile nature. Generally they are known as "Adult" beverages in reference to the fact they take a certain amount of time to "age" or "ferment".
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History
The history of the Adult Beverage is a long and terrible tale. It is said to have begun in one of the ancient civilizations of Mesopotamia, where ancients used fermented rock juice, and later fermented grape juice, to create rudimentary beverages. The intoxicating effect of these beverages was noted, but the true potential of the stuff wasn't fully realized until one day a particularly awkward and geeky ancient drank some at the local debauchery session. He found to his combined horror and elation that this stuff he drank made it possible for him to talk to a woman without excessive panicking or ogling. After that word spread like wildfire and soon no party was safe from the stuff.
This basic premise continued for several thousand years until at last in the Roaring Twenties lawmakers of the United States enacted a "Noble Experiment" by banning alcohol to see what would happen. Sure enough, within months national Gettin' It On rates dropped dramatically. This did have the interesting bonus of raising the country's collective IQ by several points, but unfortunately those points were spent on clever schemes to make and smuggle alcohol illegally, such as putting a fifth of bourbon in a condom and swallowing it to get past security checkpoints. It wasn't until lawmakers were convinced they could get more money by allowing the sale of adult beverages and then heavily taxing them that the status quo returned.
Types of Adult Beverages
Adult Beverages (also known as booze, canned heat, firewater, hard stuff, poison, hooch, liquor, palliative, red-eye, chain lightning, rotgut, sauce, spirits, tipple, joy juice, and aqua vitae) come in nearly as many varieties as there are ethnicities. However, not all boozes are created equal.
Vodka
- Wildly regarded as the "People's Drink", it was Vodka that fueled the former Soviet Union for much of the period between 1967 and 1981. Many Russian Commie/czars made it a practice of giving gifts of Vodka to both VIPs and the Proletariat masses, the only difference being the flaming rag stuffed into the bottle given to Proletariats. It's one of the least flavorful of the hooches, which makes it popular in Cocktail recipes.
Whiskey
- Whiskey is the silent killer that enslaves thousands of America's youth each year. Whiskey, along with its brothers Bourbon and Scotch, makes people across the globe do stupid things for little to no money. Some people claim it has mystical abilities, such as making women more attractive or making a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Rum
- Rum is a rotgut formed by the fermentation of sugars, especially Caribbean cane sugars. It is the traditional drink of Pirates! and as such it is totally awesome. It should be noted that contrary to popular folklore Grog is not some sort of incredibly potent super drink that only the most piratey types could stomach. It's actually more like a little rum mixed in with the nasty foul water kept on board your pirate ship to make the stuff palatable. Not a romantic thought, but true one.
Rum & Coke
- There are two schools of thought regarding this bizarre half-breed of beverage. One half claims that coke greatly improves the goodness of the rum, the other claims that rum is a good way to ruin a perfectly good Coke. All we know for certain, is that the one I'm nursing right now is pretty alright.
Gin
- Gin is a European white spirit that is always flavored with juniper berries. Gin's greatest claim to fame is being the main ingredient in the sort of Martinis that James Bond never drank. On the other hand, Jin is a glasses-wearing samurai that hangs out with the thuggish Mugen and the possibly cute Fuu.
Brandy
- Brandy is a fine girl, and would make a good wife. It's a shame, then, that the young lad she has her eye on is uninterested in her. No, his love, his life and his lady is the Sea.
Mescal
- Although Mescal is produced just to the south of most Americans, the fact is most Americans don't know a darn thing for the stuff. For instance, they may think that Mescal is a kind of Tequila, when actually it's the other way around. Americans also think that the sign of a "Real" Tequila is the pickled worm in the bottle, when actually worms are barred from Tequila by the Mexican Government, who apparently takes these sorts of things seriously. There are some brands of Mescal that contain worms, but frankly there are better ways of getting your daily value of annelids.
Wine
- There are a lot of kinds of wine, but they fall into two categories: Grape juice, and real wine. Real wine actually tastes different from grape juice and is generally, but not always, red. The grape juice just tastes like grape juice except it also gives you a buzz. That stuff is generally, but not always, white. The key to knowing what kind of wine to drink with your meal is simple. Just drink some whiskey first until you don't care what kind of wine it is any more.
Beer
- Wheat juice. Beer was invented when some guy forgot about a barrel of wheat juice for a while. When he finally found it again he discovered it still tasted like crap. He was thirsty, though, so he kept drinking and eventually he started to like it. This is simply due to the inebriation. It actually still tasted like crap.
