Eopoint Articles

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Mr. Encyclopedia — Mon, 28 May 2012 22:05:51 +0000

Like Mahatma Ghandi, Jesus Christ, and Sherlock Holmes, Abraham Lincoln's life has been pored over by countless historians. And like those people, many historians doubt he ever truly existed. So, what then do you do when these countless historians have written countless books all taking a slice of the Lincoln pie? Same thing all those other so-called Lincolnologists have done: Make things up out of whole cloth.

Rejected Southern Vampire Novel Titles

Mr. Encyclopedia — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:41:41 +0000

The Nuke's Lament

Mr. Encyclopedia — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:15:06 +0000

Adapted from the anonymous poem, "The Snipe's Lament"

Now each of us from time to time has gazed upon the sea,
And watched the warships pulling out to keep our country free.
And most of us have watched a film or heard a lusty tale,
About the men who sail these ships through lightning, wind and hail.

But there's a place within the ship that legends fail to teach,
Within the shell, deep down in Hell, where legend cannot reach.
It's down below the waterline, and takes a living toll-
That wet hot metal living hell, which sailors call the "Hole".

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Mr. Encyclopedia — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:56:39 +0000

What would you do if your deadbeat drunk of a father puts you in house arrest while he attempts to claim your modest fortune for his own? It's real-world issues like this that are addressed in Mark Twain's classic american novel. Mark Twain was, of course, the alter ego of Samuel Clemens, which he used while cruising the Mississippi in his steam yacht solving mysteries. Like in real life, the answer in the book is to fake your death and throw in with a runaway slave on an adventure down America's second greatest river.

Sandwich

BEAT — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 23:49:11 +0000

(CC BY-SA 2.0 Jeff Kovacs)The sandwich is an invention heralded by all those who experience it. But how did it come to be? Our top foodologists have narrowed it down to two possibilities.

The Boring Theory

Popular theory states that the sandwich was created by a man named “Sandwich,” who was an earl of some sort. Something about wanting something he could eat with only one hand, so he could gamble away his money with the other. This is a fine historical theory… if you’re a nerd who wants to be all factual and stuff! Why don’t you go and read a history textbook you loser!

The Totally Rad Theory

The theory that all the cool kids go in for states that Albert Einstein’s ghost, Thomas Edison’s zombie, and Mr. T all got together in a top secret government think tank, and were tasked with building the most awesome creation ever. After months of work, they presented the world with the sandwich. And the rest is history. Totally falsified history, but history nonetheless.

Bureaucrassic Park

Mr. Encyclopedia — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:11:44 +0000

(CC BY-NC-ND Global Citizen)My wife and I recently went to Universal Studios: Islands of Adventure with our 8 month old son in tow. Currently he obtains a majority of his sustenance via breast milk, which is standard for mammals at his stage in development. To achieve this end we take with us frozen packets of breast milk wherever we go.

We stopped for our overpriced lunch at a restaurant located in Jurassic Park, which turned out to be some kind of fancy cafeteria specializing in dinosaur-sized turkey legs and other assorted poultry products. We wrestled some trays from a gaggle of tweenagers and proceeded to order our lunches from the limited menu.

Our orders complete, it was now time to address the matter of my offspring. “Would it be possible,” asked my wife in a reasonable tone, “to get some hot water in a cup so I can defrost his breast milk?” She motioned to our son, who burbles jubilantly at any attention directed his way.

Help with the Encyclopedia of Pointlessness! (NOT a Crosspost)

Mr. Encyclopedia — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 05:00:13 +0000

On March 3, 1999 the following was posted to usenet group alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog:

You too can become famous right in your very own home! All it takes is a silly, stupid, and barely-based on reality article for the Encyclopedia! It's really not that hard. Pick a person, place, thing, or idea, and go from there! You can make a short article about living people, dead people, video games, Pokemon, furbies, teletubbies, the Moon, Elvis, ANYTHING! Just make sure it is pointless, unrtruthful, and funny! For a guide, you can look at this yet-unfinished article on Pandas:
http://members.tripod.com/nccproductions/page1.html

Any letter of the alphabet, any word, any THING! Go wild! have fun! and E-mail me the results so I can put them into the Encyclopedia of Pointlessness. That's all.

Danehog, voudriez-vous s'il-vous-plaît enlever la pizza de mon nez.

Mach
The Undisputed king of Pointlessness.
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With Content on loan from the FBI:
http://members.tripod.com/~nccproductions/
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Vital Knowledge: Education

Mr. Encyclopedia — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 16:53:26 +0000

(CC BY-SA brewbooks)When you teach someone, you quickly discover that there is no convenient indicator floating above their head that gauges how well they have understood your lesson. Sure, sometimes it is easy to tell a student has learned your lesson. For example, let's say you pour lighter fluid over your head and take a lit match to the wet fluid/hair mixture. Surely your student would learn from the screams of pain and suffering that such an action is a poor life decision. Few lessons are ever this clear-cut, however. For example, after teaching a person to fish, there is no adequate means to gauge his increased expertise, since fishing is equal parts luck and skill.

iWoz

Mr. Encyclopedia — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:18:17 +0000

If you're reading this, you owe it to a guy named steve. If you're peering at this through a finger-smudged screen, thank Steve Jobs. If you have a crumb-filled keyboard in front of a display, you owe Steve Wozniak.

According to his own account in iWoz, everything in his life groomed him for his role in shaping the personal computer. His father was an engineer for Lockheed that instilled him a love of technology and a strong moral compass. He could see from a young age that computers were something great, even though in those days the main way to interact with them was enigmatic switches and lights. He never had the money to play with them directly, so he read about them, learned the logic behind the chips they used, and made a game out of improving the design of each new computer. He did this for years, playing a secret game of making the designers look like fools by tweaking their designs and reducing the complexity and cost of the design without sacrificing function.

Build Your Vocabulary

Mr. Encyclopedia — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 07:03:47 +0000

You picture is in the dictionary under "Avuncular" (CC BY-NC-SA Andy Chase)The rise of the internet has highlighted a fall in the useful english discourse. To encourage this fall, here are some useful words along with their defintion and example of use that will make you seem like somebody that spent too much time in a thesarus.

Animadversion

N. A contentious or heated opinion. "Your animadversions of this Evangelion version are abominable aspersions of anime perversion."

Avuncular

Adj. Having the properties or characteristics of an uncle. "Uncle George is about as avuncular as a Tardigrade."